Who needs sleep

When you can just wallow in your own self loathing.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep. Its been a literal waking nightmare. Even with my medication which is intended to help me sleep. My own body has been fighting them. This means I am in some kind of limbo, not quite asleep, but not awake enough to actually do anything, its a technical paralysis.

I can’t do anything to make me tired, but I can’t sleep.

I don’t exactly know what to do, nothing can help, and the earlier I take the pills, just the longer I am stuck in this limbo until I do eventually fall asleep.

Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Well its very similar to that, although not as extreme, I don’t get the hallucinations or the paralysis as intensely, but it is along the same lines.

I end up just laying there, unable to occupy my self, just staring at the ceiling until I eventually drop off, and this process can take hours, and that unfortunately is not an exaggeration.

Which brings me to my very first sentence.

Wallowing in self loathing.

Being unable to doing anything means that I am just led there, thinking, as I am sure most people would do, yet those thoughts are usually “what am I going to do tomorrow?, what is for breakfast?, a to do list…etc” But as I am sure most of you reading this will understand, is that having mental illness means that those thoughts can be rather, to put it plainly…shit.

I think about everything, every small mistake, ever giant mistake. I can’t help it. Every bad thought that could possibly enter my head, enters it. This, as I am probably sure you know, isn’t a great thing.

It causes nightmares based on these thoughts, which means the quality of sleep is awful, and then the rest of the day is awful. It is an endless cycle. The rubbish sleep means that I am remarkably tired, but then as I am unable to sleep in the night, I am just getting more and more tired. I mean for some reason, I am able to function on very little sleep but that doesn’t mean I should.

Unfortunately I am completely out of ideas as to what to do about it, especially as the medications are supposed to help me.

I am feeling very lost and frustrated and am losing the will to live (possibly an exaggeration but you get my point)

I hope that non of you actually experience this, but if you do, I am sorry and I hope that you make it through to the other side.

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Sometimes you just can’t talk

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great support system:

  • My grandmother
  • My sister
  • My best friend
  • My best friends dad
    ETC…

And I know I can talk to them about anything, but sometimes you just can’t. I understand it sounds ridiculous. But there are just things you know wouldn’t make sense to them. You would feel judged and maybe worst case scenario, isolated.

Its just secrets that you have to keep to yourself.

While these secrets can at times be horrible and make you worse at times, its always better for yourself to keep them hidden.

Many people might not get what I am talking about here, and some go you might. Its all very confusing, and is quite difficult to get down in words, but I’ve done my best…

 

 

Getting away for a few days

I am fortunate enough to have a friend and her dad live outside of Liverpool, they live in the North of Wales in a very nice little house.

Its warm, cosy and I always feel more then welcomed here.

Her dad, who’s house it is, is like a surrogate father to me, and knows pretty much everything that has every happened to me, and knows about all my mental issues. I am able to call him if I ever feel like I need to talk to someone. Its really so lovely.

Well, when I feel like I am in a bad place, or its possible I could be in one and I don’t want to be alone, I come here.

Which is why I am so fortunate. Sometimes what you need is to get away for a few days, and I am also lucky enough to have the luxury to be able to go away for a few days without it being too much of an issue.

It means I can come here an clear my head in a safe environment. Where I am away from harm, and not at risk of harming myself.

I don’t plan on doing anything different from what I do at home, I will sit, on my laptop, watching tv or films, but I can do it in a place where I don’t feel as sad or alone. Even if there is no one in the house while I am here, its the different environment that helps me.

If you have the chance to have a change of place even if its just for the day, please do so, it can do wonders for your mental health to get out of an environment in which you don’t feel okay, safe or happy in.  If not, let me know, I am available to talk. I can give you my email, or phone number, or even Facebook. We can chat until you feel okay.

I know what it is like to feel like you are trapped, and I know what it feels like to feel like you don’t have anyone there. I can be that person.

 

Stress is the enemy, but can I learn to love it?

Possible Trigger Warning

Stress, like am sure it is for a lot of people, is for me a trigger. I am not talking standard stress, like being busy at work, that stress I can handle. I am talking out of the ordinary stress, the unexpected, the abnormal, the things that don’t happen every day.

I can’t deal with it. It triggers my anxiety, it triggers my bipolar, it triggers my bpd. I just triggers me.

I have found that when this unusual stress occurs, I can hallucinate, become depersonalised, disillusioned. Its scary. Its like I cannot think or see straight.

I am not the same person anymore. I can feel things moving under my skin, making me want to self harm. (I am sorry if this is upsetting for some people, I do apologise),

It is such a complicated thing, and its all caused by stress, its remarkable really that such big things can be caused by what many may perceive as small and insignificant.

But mental health is such a wide array of things that people don’t understand, even those who have mental illnesses don’t truly understand. Its been 7ish years since I was diagnosed and I still don’t have a damn clue what goes on most of the time. Its a learning curve, for everyone involved. And while stress may be an complete asshole to me, I do like knowing that stress is a trigger.

Learning is what helps, learning helps me improve, learning helps me.

But overall, stress sucks. I hate it but it helps me learn and I am willing to fight the consequences of each and every stressful moment if it helps me beat this ongoing battle that is my mind.

Stress may be the enemy, but learning to love it, thats my way forward. Lets just hope I don’t go too far into the darkness first.

New year, new me?

Possible Trigger Warning

Honestly, that is just a load of crap! Especially when it comes to mental health..

I could pretend that I am going to make a whole load of new year resolutions, but half the time, they end up doing more harm than good.

I’ve done it before, I made resolutions that overall would always end up as harmful, even if my intentions have been good and I have tried to help myself, it hasn’t worked.

I’ve promised myself that

  • I won’t self harm ever again 
  • I will always take my medication
  • I will always get enough sleep
  • I will sort out my eating issues
  • I will make an effort to leave the house frequently
  • I will sort out my drinking
  • I will take better care of myself
  • I will tidy what needs to be tidied

While not all of those seem like huge deals, to me they are and to fail them year after year can be very serious and detrimental to my mental health. I feel like failure means I will never get better, that I am always going to be in this state. But thats not what I need, I need positivity, I need to make goals or resolutions that I can actually complete. This is the way forward.

Obviously, failures happen, to everyone, not just those with mental health. And failure is okay, it is never the end of the world, no matter how much you think so. I have thought it a fair few times myself. I just need to remember, like I am sure most of the people reading this will, that failure is okay, whats important is that you can pick yourself up and carry on, no matter how hard it is, you can do it and so can I.

So for positive resolutions I herby promise to

  • Meditate, not every day, just when I can, when I feel sad, or anxious. 
  • Keep a mood diary, maybe track my ups and downs. 
  • Write down a good thing that happened everyday and keep it in a jar to open at the end of the year.
  • Talk to someone when I feel down.
  • Keep going the gym, when I can.
  • Attempt to stop comparing myself to others.

They may not seem like much, but they will help me feel positive and complete a New Years resolution for once. That way, I can feel accomplished, like I have actually done some good.

Everyone has their own things, you may like mine, you may have some ideas of your own, please feel free to share them.

Here is to a great 2017, that will have its ups and downs, but no matter what, you can make it successful.

 

 

Exercise and Depression

According to most internet searches about natural remedies for depression .. Exercise is one of them. It may because those who reported an improvement in their depression was because theirs stemmed from a self image problem, or because it helped them leave the house. We may never properly know whether or not exercise will actually help with depression…but whats the harm in giving it a go?

I thought I might as well, it cost £13.99 a month, and I was lucky enough to join with just a £1 joining fee, so admittedly, I wouldn’t have joined if it had been its normal £20, but there we go. Small miracles.

I started just before Christmas, about a week in fact, and I made it my mission to go every day. Not because I wanted to get fit quickly (even if that would be nice) but it was to get my self confidence up, so I could feel comfortable in the gym.

Its not a fact I hide, but I am over weight, and I am not very confident in my own skin, even if that is the persona I exude, I am deeply uncomfortable and essentially hate my self. Which is never a good thing to happen. But here we are, so I deal with it.

Anyway, back to the gym, I went everyday but Monday and Saturday (Christmas Eve) and I even had a personal training session. Which was brilliant because it helped me figure out exactly what will work for me, and I will have a plan, so I know what I need to do to help me get fit and back to I a place in which I feel comfortable with myself.

I get 2 more free sessions, then I will have to start paying every time I want one, I don’t think it will be too much, And the lady I am trained with seems really lovely. And really helped me feel okay with the fact I couldn’t do very much.

I get the exercise helps release endorphins which helps you feel better, whether or not it will help my depression remains to be seen. But lets find out shall we?

Annoying

Can anyone else feel themselves being annoying?

Because I can.

I can feel myself just saying simple things and knowing that people have just had enough of me talking.

I am trying to be nice. I am trying to let my dad know that he doesn’t have to stay awake because I am awake. But I just feel like I am annoying when I say anything. Its awful and soul crushing.

I feel like I can’t stop.

I need validation.

I want to connect with my family.

It makes me sad that I feel like the ultimate black sheep.

I don’t really know what to do. I am just being myself and it feels like I and an irritant and an annoying. Goodbye self confidence. They are my parents and I don’t even feel comfortable half the time. It sucks!

Edit: Has anyone ever said something, then told themselves to just shut up because their opinions are “invalid”?

 

Medication

Is it possible to actually enjoy taking medication for mental illness?

Because, for some reason, I am.

Sertraline 50mg
Promazine 50mg

The sertraline helps with my anxiety and depression and the promazine helps with the mood disorders and sleep.

The promazine if the first of that kind of type that actually helps me sleep, that doesn’t give me horrific restless leg syndrome. Its fabulous. It actually makes me happy to sleep. So for that reason, I actually enjoy taking it.

I do have a very strange side effect though…

Every morning when I wake up, for about 30 seconds, I shake uncontrollably. Its bizarre, I can’t help it, but I just roll with it anyway.

Despite it though, I do genuinely enjoy taking it.

Only issue, I am not allowed to really drink on these medications, but I do anyway. I mean, as I type this, I am sat in the living room drinking spiced rum and coke. Which is just delicious by the way.

It doesn’t affect me massively, just makes me more drowsy than normal, yet I take the medication at night just before bed anyway so it doesn’t make a huge difference. I think possibly if I had to take them in the morning, I wouldn’t drink as much but considering they have to be taken at night, I will drink away!

Ive rambled slightly, but the whole point is that I enjoy taking my medication, I think it is really helping…as much as medication can.

 

Insomnia is a goddamn bitch

I’m not sure I even noticed it creeping up on me, just out of nowhere the past 2 or 3 days, I haven’t been able to sleep.

Usually, come 10/11pm I am shattered and falling asleep, if not asleep already.

But here we are, another night, past midnight, and I am wide awake.

I am exhausted, I am yawning non stop. But I just cannot get my body to shut down and sleep.

Last night I was awake until gone 4am. The night before I think it was around 3/4am. I cannot keep this up.

I couldn’t even pinpoint the reason behind it, the cause. Stress? The start of a manic episode? Anxiety? I mean the list can be endless, so who knows, it could even be a combination of a few things.

Things I’ve tried to help me sleep:

•putting my phone/laptop away

•reading

•closing my eyes and counting back from 1000 (just so you know, I reached 465 before I gave up out of frustration)

herbal tea

•stretching each section of my body one at a time in an attempt to relax

I have officially run out of ideas. I love sleep, I adore sleep, naps used to be part of my daily routine and I would still manage a good 7/8 hours of sleep at night.

That is another thing I have noticed. When I was sleeping, I was still waking up constantly tired. But I wouldn’t be able to nap. That has been happening over the past week or so. Maybe that was the warning side, my body gearing up to tell me that I’m no longer allowed decent sleep. First it took my naps, now my evening slumber. 

Irritatingly though, not sleeping is stressing me out, which I know full well is contributing towards the insomnia. Even if stress isn’t the official cause, it’s definitely creeping in there now as one.

Fuck insomnia.