Unexpected can be damaging

This happened a couple of days ago.

I wake to hear what sounds like building work happening in my building, so of course, I am intrigued as to what is happening. So clad in pjs and some large cardigan, I go and investigate. Well..It turns out that what is happening is that the whole building is getting a new intercom system. Which, while yes this is an amazing thing, we will finally get the ability to buzz people in to the building without having to go up and down the mountain amount of stairs (old building no lift) and I can silence my intercom phone if some kids decide to take it upon themselves to constantly harass me.

The problem I have with this..no warning. The landlord did not inform us that this was taking place. So to be woken by it, and then have a hour to mentally prepare myself for the fact that a stranger will be entering my flat. It is basically bullshit.

I don’t come with unexpected changes, let alone having to allow someone entry to my safe place with no warning what so ever. If I hadn’t gone to investigate, I wouldn’t have even had that hour!

Yes what this guy did took maybe 20 minutes at most, that isn’t the point. I was uncomfortable from the moment I knew he would be in my home, that comfort level decreased even further once he was in there. I had to ask him to keep the door propped open because I simply would not have been able to handle it. Of course he looked at me strange, but I am guessing he saw the pure worry that plagued my face and happily obliged even though it made his job so much more difficult.

Once finished, he left, said thank you and I had my brand new intercom phone. But the entire day I was off. I felt violated. Which is entirely ridiculous I know.

But for some back story as to why I feel like this… (trigger warning)

A year and a half ago, an assault took place, with someone who abused their role, there are specific jobs which you have to give people certain levels of trust..taxi drivers, workmen who enter your home, even neighbours. And this trust was abused. So since then, me having to be in a situation in which I am alone with someone where a level of trust like that is required, I can’t do it, especially with no warning. I had such a short amount of time to compose myself.

If I am ever having anything done within my flat that requires workmen. I ask for the furthest possible date away that they can give me so I have time and can be ready mentally for it. But this time, I was stood there, in my pyjamas, feeling completely vulnerable.

It is a horrible feeling, but thankfully, its all done now.

But unexpected things can be so damaging to those who have been affected by something in that past that was out of their control. I am one of those people.


Stress is the enemy, but can I learn to love it?

Possible Trigger Warning

Stress, like am sure it is for a lot of people, is for me a trigger. I am not talking standard stress, like being busy at work, that stress I can handle. I am talking out of the ordinary stress, the unexpected, the abnormal, the things that don’t happen every day.

I can’t deal with it. It triggers my anxiety, it triggers my bipolar, it triggers my bpd. I just triggers me.

I have found that when this unusual stress occurs, I can hallucinate, become depersonalised, disillusioned. Its scary. Its like I cannot think or see straight.

I am not the same person anymore. I can feel things moving under my skin, making me want to self harm. (I am sorry if this is upsetting for some people, I do apologise),

It is such a complicated thing, and its all caused by stress, its remarkable really that such big things can be caused by what many may perceive as small and insignificant.

But mental health is such a wide array of things that people don’t understand, even those who have mental illnesses don’t truly understand. Its been 7ish years since I was diagnosed and I still don’t have a damn clue what goes on most of the time. Its a learning curve, for everyone involved. And while stress may be an complete asshole to me, I do like knowing that stress is a trigger.

Learning is what helps, learning helps me improve, learning helps me.

But overall, stress sucks. I hate it but it helps me learn and I am willing to fight the consequences of each and every stressful moment if it helps me beat this ongoing battle that is my mind.

Stress may be the enemy, but learning to love it, thats my way forward. Lets just hope I don’t go too far into the darkness first.