Who needs sleep

When you can just wallow in your own self loathing.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep. Its been a literal waking nightmare. Even with my medication which is intended to help me sleep. My own body has been fighting them. This means I am in some kind of limbo, not quite asleep, but not awake enough to actually do anything, its a technical paralysis.

I can’t do anything to make me tired, but I can’t sleep.

I don’t exactly know what to do, nothing can help, and the earlier I take the pills, just the longer I am stuck in this limbo until I do eventually fall asleep.

Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Well its very similar to that, although not as extreme, I don’t get the hallucinations or the paralysis as intensely, but it is along the same lines.

I end up just laying there, unable to occupy my self, just staring at the ceiling until I eventually drop off, and this process can take hours, and that unfortunately is not an exaggeration.

Which brings me to my very first sentence.

Wallowing in self loathing.

Being unable to doing anything means that I am just led there, thinking, as I am sure most people would do, yet those thoughts are usually “what am I going to do tomorrow?, what is for breakfast?, a to do list…etc” But as I am sure most of you reading this will understand, is that having mental illness means that those thoughts can be rather, to put it plainly…shit.

I think about everything, every small mistake, ever giant mistake. I can’t help it. Every bad thought that could possibly enter my head, enters it. This, as I am probably sure you know, isn’t a great thing.

It causes nightmares based on these thoughts, which means the quality of sleep is awful, and then the rest of the day is awful. It is an endless cycle. The rubbish sleep means that I am remarkably tired, but then as I am unable to sleep in the night, I am just getting more and more tired. I mean for some reason, I am able to function on very little sleep but that doesn’t mean I should.

Unfortunately I am completely out of ideas as to what to do about it, especially as the medications are supposed to help me.

I am feeling very lost and frustrated and am losing the will to live (possibly an exaggeration but you get my point)

I hope that non of you actually experience this, but if you do, I am sorry and I hope that you make it through to the other side.

Insomnia is a goddamn bitch

I’m not sure I even noticed it creeping up on me, just out of nowhere the past 2 or 3 days, I haven’t been able to sleep.

Usually, come 10/11pm I am shattered and falling asleep, if not asleep already.

But here we are, another night, past midnight, and I am wide awake.

I am exhausted, I am yawning non stop. But I just cannot get my body to shut down and sleep.

Last night I was awake until gone 4am. The night before I think it was around 3/4am. I cannot keep this up.

I couldn’t even pinpoint the reason behind it, the cause. Stress? The start of a manic episode? Anxiety? I mean the list can be endless, so who knows, it could even be a combination of a few things.

Things I’ve tried to help me sleep:

•putting my phone/laptop away

•reading

•closing my eyes and counting back from 1000 (just so you know, I reached 465 before I gave up out of frustration)

herbal tea

•stretching each section of my body one at a time in an attempt to relax

I have officially run out of ideas. I love sleep, I adore sleep, naps used to be part of my daily routine and I would still manage a good 7/8 hours of sleep at night.

That is another thing I have noticed. When I was sleeping, I was still waking up constantly tired. But I wouldn’t be able to nap. That has been happening over the past week or so. Maybe that was the warning side, my body gearing up to tell me that I’m no longer allowed decent sleep. First it took my naps, now my evening slumber. 

Irritatingly though, not sleeping is stressing me out, which I know full well is contributing towards the insomnia. Even if stress isn’t the official cause, it’s definitely creeping in there now as one.

Fuck insomnia.

So apparently I’m asthmatic 

I had a bog standard childhood of illnesses, asthma being one of them.

It was extremely severe, I had to use the spacer, and I can remember being taken out of classes so I could use the inhaler.

Then of course, there was the nightly coughing, when I would cough so hard and frequently that I would constantly throw up in my sleep. My parents because masters at bathing me, changing me and the sheets, and putting me back to bed without waking me up..so much so, there is only on instance of memory in which I can recall it happening.

Well over the past 3/4 years, I have been getting persistent and awful chest infections. 9 or 10 a year, and about 5 between October and January. I’m talking coughing for weeks on end, not sleeping, inability to breathe. 

It had serious impacts on my mental health, just being constantly sick and unable to function, and on such a regular basis. I would end up in tears most nights.

I have always been given antibiotics and a blue inhaler. It’s supposedly due to the fact I had asthma as a child.

Well I got another one, and I actually saw my doctor. My oxygen levels were between 85 and 89, and my attempt at blowing on that stupid breathe thing was just pathetic. So instead of getting my usual antibiotics and inhaler, I got a blue and brown inhaler, a course of steroids, a course of antibiotics and an appointment for an asthma check.

I am dubious, it’s seems over the top. But in 4 days, I’m miraculously better, not cured, but compared to what I usually am like after a chest infection, it’s remarkable.

The cough is still present, and if I do anything to strenuous it can cause a coughing fit. But I can breathe, I can sleep. 

So apparently, what I have thought was just a poor immune system is actually asthma. So back to the inhalers I go, whether I like it or not.

Dreaming

Sometimes, people say that people dream for what they want. What they “dream” of accomplishing, doing with their life etc.

Well for me..

I dream of living at home with my parents and getting food with my dad on the back of his motorbike like when I was a kid.

Backstory: I was kicked out at 17, and I have lived on my own since then. Being an adult way before I was ready. My parents have told me that no matter what, I would not be allowed to move back home.

Now we skip to the present: I am having a bad time, and honestly all I want is to move back home, live with my parents and not have to worry about anything more than what’s for dinner.

My dream was exactly that, a dream. I want what normal people get from their parents. Someone to talk to, someone who cares how you are doing. I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in weeks, they don’t contact me unless they need something from me. It’s a very sad situation.

Maybe I am just rambling, but it was on my mind. My dream parents felt more loving than my actual parents. And I just want to sleep forever so I can live with them.

Withdrawing myself

I realised today that over the past couple weeks I have started to withdraw my self from society..

I have still posted on social media- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.. And the facade I provide is completely untrue, I show my self as happy, well adjusted, and for the most part “normal” (I don’t believe in the word normal but for this purpose it is accurate)

Away from my social media identity, I am unhappy, not functioning well, over all not in a good place.

Today was the first time I went to college in 2 weeks.. I just could not get myself to set an alarm and get up. I received emails and phone calls but I ignored them all. 

It was today I realised how much I have actually been withdrawing myself from those around me. And honestly, I don’t know how to stop it.

I spend my days in bed, watching a film, playing on my phone and sleeping. It’s a downward spiral and I am not entirely sure how to bring myself back into the world. I just don’t feel comfortable. 

I am quite literally living a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. And it scares me, I’ve been in dark places before, I don’t want to go back