Hello darkness my old friend

Recently, I have started to lose control again. Externally I seem well put together and organised, internally, it is a completely different story.

Long story short, I am struggling.

For a fair few years now I have had a very love hate relationship with alcohol, which has been more hate than love. I cannot seem to help myself. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic exactly, but it is definitely heading that way.

It gets to a point where, if I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, I HAVE to have a drink, this usually consists of drinking a large amount of some kind of cheap spirit. Vodka.

For a while I had a handle on it, and I stopped drinking at home, but now, it is coming back, the impulse control has vanished. I have become fidgety, and every other thought is about the half a bottle I have in my bedroom, all I am basically waiting for is until it is an acceptable time to actually have a drink. It needs to be past a certain time, so I can get drunk, and no one will call or text that will require me to be functioning enough to actually respond. But even that is becoming difficult now.

Which brings me back to how I am losing control again. It is a bad thing, not in a “I am going to hurt myself” way but just a I am isolating myself, becoming drawn into myself. Its almost as if its a sensation I can feel all over my body, something itching to get out.

I just don’t think I am ready to go back into the dark again.