New year, new me?

Possible Trigger Warning

Honestly, that is just a load of crap! Especially when it comes to mental health..

I could pretend that I am going to make a whole load of new year resolutions, but half the time, they end up doing more harm than good.

I’ve done it before, I made resolutions that overall would always end up as harmful, even if my intentions have been good and I have tried to help myself, it hasn’t worked.

I’ve promised myself that

  • I won’t self harm ever again 
  • I will always take my medication
  • I will always get enough sleep
  • I will sort out my eating issues
  • I will make an effort to leave the house frequently
  • I will sort out my drinking
  • I will take better care of myself
  • I will tidy what needs to be tidied

While not all of those seem like huge deals, to me they are and to fail them year after year can be very serious and detrimental to my mental health. I feel like failure means I will never get better, that I am always going to be in this state. But thats not what I need, I need positivity, I need to make goals or resolutions that I can actually complete. This is the way forward.

Obviously, failures happen, to everyone, not just those with mental health. And failure is okay, it is never the end of the world, no matter how much you think so. I have thought it a fair few times myself. I just need to remember, like I am sure most of the people reading this will, that failure is okay, whats important is that you can pick yourself up and carry on, no matter how hard it is, you can do it and so can I.

So for positive resolutions I herby promise to

  • Meditate, not every day, just when I can, when I feel sad, or anxious. 
  • Keep a mood diary, maybe track my ups and downs. 
  • Write down a good thing that happened everyday and keep it in a jar to open at the end of the year.
  • Talk to someone when I feel down.
  • Keep going the gym, when I can.
  • Attempt to stop comparing myself to others.

They may not seem like much, but they will help me feel positive and complete a New Years resolution for once. That way, I can feel accomplished, like I have actually done some good.

Everyone has their own things, you may like mine, you may have some ideas of your own, please feel free to share them.

Here is to a great 2017, that will have its ups and downs, but no matter what, you can make it successful.

 

 

Eating is an uphill battle

I’ve always had an issue with food and the way I look, just self confidence has always been low. I look back at old photos where I thought I was “fat” and I was a size ten. My mind was warped. And it still is.

I struggled with bulimia in my late teens, from around 16 onwards, I battled it and started to recover around the age of 19. I was good for a few years, healthy. Well, not healthy. Just not purging. My appetite was atrocious. I still binged. I still starved myself. But I was not purging.

Then a few months ago, just after Christmas, I relapsed. The purging started again. The binging continued but now I purge. I don’t feel great, my self confidence is at an all time low, and as normal I am hiding it from everyone. 

Actually no, one person knows, my ex boyfriend, we are still friends but I do still have feelings for him (that’s another story and another post). But anyway, he knows about my issue with food, and has known about it for a long time. He does try to help me but right now he works miles away and I don’t see him. So I almost feel justified in doing what I am. Because I can do it with someone knowing about it and there is nothing they can do. 

It’s entirely selfish. I know that. But I don’t feel able to do anything. 

Eating will constantly be an uphill battle, and something that could cause me some serious problems in the future. 

My weight at the moment currently means I am classes as over weight. I am 5″4 and 15stone. It’s my diet and eating habits that attribute to this. I don’t have a metabolic rate to speak of. 

Even though I am over weight, I am malnourished. I am not healthy. I am constantly sick. I don’t heal very well. I am weak. I am tired all the time. It’s just not great. 

I apologise for such a randomly sporadic rant. I just needed to get my thoughts down.