I haven’t posted in a while, a long time, and there have been reasons for that, which makes it unfortunate that I have to start posting again.
At the very end of May, I got a job, a good job, something I have always wanted to do, which is writing. I love writing, and have done since I was a child, which is part of why I started a blog. So I could write.
Well at the end of September, I lost that job, I was made redundant. Which sounds okay, because it means I wasn’t fired.
What it does mean though is I lost something good. I lost something which gave me a good routine, that got me out of the house 5 days a week, that meant I didn’t sit at home all day, sitting alone, just watching random stuff on Netflix, sinking further and further into depression.
It is a nightmare. I feel like I lost a piece of myself.
I felt like I was achieving something, I was doing something that made me look accomplished in my parents eyes.
I am so embarrassed.
So it looks like I need to start posting here again. So, hey everyone!!
I wake to hear what sounds like building work happening in my building, so of course, I am intrigued as to what is happening. So clad in pjs and some large cardigan, I go and investigate. Well..It turns out that what is happening is that the whole building is getting a new intercom system. Which, while yes this is an amazing thing, we will finally get the ability to buzz people in to the building without having to go up and down the mountain amount of stairs (old building no lift) and I can silence my intercom phone if some kids decide to take it upon themselves to constantly harass me.
The problem I have with this..no warning. The landlord did not inform us that this was taking place. So to be woken by it, and then have a hour to mentally prepare myself for the fact that a stranger will be entering my flat. It is basically bullshit.
I don’t come with unexpected changes, let alone having to allow someone entry to my safe place with no warning what so ever. If I hadn’t gone to investigate, I wouldn’t have even had that hour!
Yes what this guy did took maybe 20 minutes at most, that isn’t the point. I was uncomfortable from the moment I knew he would be in my home, that comfort level decreased even further once he was in there. I had to ask him to keep the door propped open because I simply would not have been able to handle it. Of course he looked at me strange, but I am guessing he saw the pure worry that plagued my face and happily obliged even though it made his job so much more difficult.
Once finished, he left, said thank you and I had my brand new intercom phone. But the entire day I was off. I felt violated. Which is entirely ridiculous I know.
But for some back story as to why I feel like this… (trigger warning)
A year and a half ago, an assault took place, with someone who abused their role, there are specific jobs which you have to give people certain levels of trust..taxi drivers, workmen who enter your home, even neighbours. And this trust was abused. So since then, me having to be in a situation in which I am alone with someone where a level of trust like that is required, I can’t do it, especially with no warning. I had such a short amount of time to compose myself.
If I am ever having anything done within my flat that requires workmen. I ask for the furthest possible date away that they can give me so I have time and can be ready mentally for it. But this time, I was stood there, in my pyjamas, feeling completely vulnerable.
It is a horrible feeling, but thankfully, its all done now.
But unexpected things can be so damaging to those who have been affected by something in that past that was out of their control. I am one of those people.
Recently, I have started to lose control again. Externally I seem well put together and organised, internally, it is a completely different story.
Long story short, I am struggling.
For a fair few years now I have had a very love hate relationship with alcohol, which has been more hate than love. I cannot seem to help myself. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic exactly, but it is definitely heading that way.
It gets to a point where, if I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, I HAVE to have a drink, this usually consists of drinking a large amount of some kind of cheap spirit. Vodka.
For a while I had a handle on it, and I stopped drinking at home, but now, it is coming back, the impulse control has vanished. I have become fidgety, and every other thought is about the half a bottle I have in my bedroom, all I am basically waiting for is until it is an acceptable time to actually have a drink. It needs to be past a certain time, so I can get drunk, and no one will call or text that will require me to be functioning enough to actually respond. But even that is becoming difficult now.
Which brings me back to how I am losing control again. It is a bad thing, not in a “I am going to hurt myself” way but just a I am isolating myself, becoming drawn into myself. Its almost as if its a sensation I can feel all over my body, something itching to get out.
I just don’t think I am ready to go back into the dark again.
For a while I was unable to write, I mean, yes I blogged, but for the longest time, I wanted to write a book, something of a fiction nature. I always had so many ideas but just never acted on them. I was so uncommitted that I never even wrote these ideas down. Gone for ever. It is possibly I would remember them again, but I would go through the same cycle. Get idea – forget idea and repeat. It was a nightmare.
I always used to write. On my old laptop there are various word documents where I would write a few paragraphs, get a new idea, and start writing a new one. I never actually finished anything, but I was okay with that, I just enjoyed writing, getting my ideas on paper, making them real.
Well, a few years ago, I lost that. And it was rather upsetting if I am truly honest. to be even more honest, I lost the urge to do a lot of things I loved. I know this is a symptom of depression, but that doesn’t make it any less..well..depressing. I would try and fight that lethargic lack of interest that I developed, but I just couldn’t get myself to do anything I previously enjoyed. From reading a book, going for a bike ride and of course writing.
I took up blogging in the hopes that It would help me get that spark back. Because this is a form of creative writing on its own. I am taking my ideas about things that are happening in my life and creating something for others to read, but even after a year of running this particular blog, it didn’t happen.
My dream is, and has been for a long time, to be a writer, to write a book, to write something of worth that affects people on a great scale, that makes them happy, makes them sad. To make them feel.
And well of course, there is a reason I am writing this post, on this particular subject.
I have my spark back. I finally picked up my laptop, opened up a word document, and I wrote something. Completely fictional. But i found an idea, and i wrote it down, I kept it there, hoping it would encourage me to actually write and for some unknown reason it has.
So, for now, I am happy. I have my spark back and I am trying my hardest to keep that spark lit. I haven’t put any pressure on myself. I don’t have any ridiculous expectations that I have to write 2 pages a day. My only rule is that everyday, I write something, whether it is a sentence or pages and pages. Its that small amount of structure that I require, and that helps me function as a person who aspires to do something with their life that they have dreamed of.
I understand my dream isn’t always something people manage, I know that, there is so false hope or expectations. So many authors have just gotten where they are from pure luck. And of course, I know that I will no where near be the next J.K Rowling. But maybe if I can just get one thing published… But dreams are dreams for a reason.BEa
So I have seen online, various you tubers and bloggers doing this thing called “Bullet Journaling”. I know it isn’t a new thing over all but it is definitely very new to me. I saw it originally just after christmas, so using a voucher I got for amazon as a chirstmas gift, I got my supplies
It took about 2 weeks total for most of it to come, I am still waiting on a couple of bits but I thought I should start the journal anyway.
For those who haven’t heard of it, who like me was completely in the dark, it is in my opinion a fantastic way to organise your life.
++You just take an empty notebook and take it from there, you create pages that will be helpful to you. For example, a few of my pages are a page that has everyones birthdays listed, simply because my memory is awful and I ALWAYS forget stuff like that, which in turn makes me feel rubbish. ++Another example is a blog writing ideas 2 page spread. Which i personally find very helpful. I mean the amount of times I have thought of an idea, not been able to write it down and then thats it, its gone. So now I have a specific place, in a notebook that I will always carry with me to write these ideas, which can only improve my blogging standard, right? Maybe not. But its still very helpful either way. ++Last example would be my habit tracker. Over 2 pages, i make a spreadsheet style layout, with various headlines down the side. Then at the end of the day, before I go to bed, I fill it out in relation to the day. As someone who has mental illness, and should probably keep track of various things, such as moods, the amount of sleep I get, whether I am tired during the day etc..It is very good. And for me to to this I have to do it a month at a time, So currently I am writing in Januarys, then once I reach the 31st, I will create februarys.
Online Shopping Tracker
Blog Writing Ideas
January Habit Tracker
Now, what I have found that is very good with this whole bullet journal system, is that you do it to your own life. You create pages that are helpful to you. That will help you in your daily life. And there is so much more freedom that a bog standard two thousand and whatever diary that you buy in shops.
There is the ability to be as creative as you want, using colours, fancy writing etc, anything really, its yours to design how ever you desire. The best part is, you don’t have to be massively creative or goo at art to do so. I know I defitnitley and not very good, but I still love what I have done with mine.
It is such a great way to have fun, and get organised all at the same time! What could be better? Ive only had it for a few days, and this will sound silly, but just creating the journal, coming up with various ideas for pages has really boosted my mood. It has give me something to focus on, something fun to do that doesn’t require a massive amount of energy. I have felt productive, without the need to actually be productive. For me it is a win win situation.
Now, for those who might be interested, I will list some of the products I have used in the creation of my bullet journal
Lechtturn 1917, 249 Dotted Pages with back pocket
Cat style sticky notes
Durable sticky index tabs
Lechtturn 1917 pen loop
Sharpie fine line pens
Rainbow Ball Pens
Now of course, everyone has their own preferences for products they would like to use, those are just mine. There are hundreds of ideas online if you need a suggestionBu
When you can just wallow in your own self loathing.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep. Its been a literal waking nightmare. Even with my medication which is intended to help me sleep. My own body has been fighting them. This means I am in some kind of limbo, not quite asleep, but not awake enough to actually do anything, its a technical paralysis.
I can’t do anything to make me tired, but I can’t sleep.
I don’t exactly know what to do, nothing can help, and the earlier I take the pills, just the longer I am stuck in this limbo until I do eventually fall asleep.
Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Well its very similar to that, although not as extreme, I don’t get the hallucinations or the paralysis as intensely, but it is along the same lines.
I end up just laying there, unable to occupy my self, just staring at the ceiling until I eventually drop off, and this process can take hours, and that unfortunately is not an exaggeration.
Which brings me to my very first sentence.
Wallowing in self loathing.
Being unable to doing anything means that I am just led there, thinking, as I am sure most people would do, yet those thoughts are usually “what am I going to do tomorrow?, what is for breakfast?, a to do list…etc” But as I am sure most of you reading this will understand, is that having mental illness means that those thoughts can be rather, to put it plainly…shit.
I think about everything, every small mistake, ever giant mistake. I can’t help it. Every bad thought that could possibly enter my head, enters it. This, as I am probably sure you know, isn’t a great thing.
It causes nightmares based on these thoughts, which means the quality of sleep is awful, and then the rest of the day is awful. It is an endless cycle. The rubbish sleep means that I am remarkably tired, but then as I am unable to sleep in the night, I am just getting more and more tired. I mean for some reason, I am able to function on very little sleep but that doesn’t mean I should.
Unfortunately I am completely out of ideas as to what to do about it, especially as the medications are supposed to help me.
I am feeling very lost and frustrated and am losing the will to live (possibly an exaggeration but you get my point)
I hope that non of you actually experience this, but if you do, I am sorry and I hope that you make it through to the other side.
I am fortunate enough to have a friend and her dad live outside of Liverpool, they live in the North of Wales in a very nice little house.
Its warm, cosy and I always feel more then welcomed here.
Her dad, who’s house it is, is like a surrogate father to me, and knows pretty much everything that has every happened to me, and knows about all my mental issues. I am able to call him if I ever feel like I need to talk to someone. Its really so lovely.
Well, when I feel like I am in a bad place, or its possible I could be in one and I don’t want to be alone, I come here.
Which is why I am so fortunate. Sometimes what you need is to get away for a few days, and I am also lucky enough to have the luxury to be able to go away for a few days without it being too much of an issue.
It means I can come here an clear my head in a safe environment. Where I am away from harm, and not at risk of harming myself.
I don’t plan on doing anything different from what I do at home, I will sit, on my laptop, watching tv or films, but I can do it in a place where I don’t feel as sad or alone. Even if there is no one in the house while I am here, its the different environment that helps me.
If you have the chance to have a change of place even if its just for the day, please do so, it can do wonders for your mental health to get out of an environment in which you don’t feel okay, safe or happy in. If not, let me know, I am available to talk. I can give you my email, or phone number, or even Facebook. We can chat until you feel okay.
I know what it is like to feel like you are trapped, and I know what it feels like to feel like you don’t have anyone there. I can be that person.
Stress, like am sure it is for a lot of people, is for me a trigger. I am not talking standard stress, like being busy at work, that stress I can handle. I am talking out of the ordinary stress, the unexpected, the abnormal, the things that don’t happen every day.
I can’t deal with it. It triggers my anxiety, it triggers my bipolar, it triggers my bpd. I just triggers me.
I have found that when this unusual stress occurs, I can hallucinate, become depersonalised, disillusioned. Its scary. Its like I cannot think or see straight.
I am not the same person anymore. I can feel things moving under my skin, making me want to self harm. (I am sorry if this is upsetting for some people, I do apologise),
It is such a complicated thing, and its all caused by stress, its remarkable really that such big things can be caused by what many may perceive as small and insignificant.
But mental health is such a wide array of things that people don’t understand, even those who have mental illnesses don’t truly understand. Its been 7ish years since I was diagnosed and I still don’t have a damn clue what goes on most of the time. Its a learning curve, for everyone involved. And while stress may be an complete asshole to me, I do like knowing that stress is a trigger.
Learning is what helps, learning helps me improve, learning helps me.
But overall, stress sucks. I hate it but it helps me learn and I am willing to fight the consequences of each and every stressful moment if it helps me beat this ongoing battle that is my mind.
Stress may be the enemy, but learning to love it, thats my way forward. Lets just hope I don’t go too far into the darkness first.
Honestly, that is just a load of crap! Especially when it comes to mental health..
I could pretend that I am going to make a whole load of new year resolutions, but half the time, they end up doing more harm than good.
I’ve done it before, I made resolutions that overall would always end up as harmful, even if my intentions have been good and I have tried to help myself, it hasn’t worked.
I’ve promised myself that
I won’t self harm ever again
I will always take my medication
I will always get enough sleep
I will sort out my eating issues
I will make an effort to leave the house frequently
I will sort out my drinking
I will take better care of myself
I will tidy what needs to be tidied
While not all of those seem like huge deals, to me they are and to fail them year after year can be very serious and detrimental to my mental health. I feel like failure means I will never get better, that I am always going to be in this state. But thats not what I need, I need positivity, I need to make goals or resolutions that I can actually complete. This is the way forward.
Obviously, failures happen, to everyone, not just those with mental health. And failure is okay, it is never the end of the world, no matter how much you think so. I have thought it a fair few times myself. I just need to remember, like I am sure most of the people reading this will, that failure is okay, whats important is that you can pick yourself up and carry on, no matter how hard it is, you can do it and so can I.
So for positive resolutions I herby promise to
Meditate, not every day, just when I can, when I feel sad, or anxious.
Keep a mood diary, maybe track my ups and downs.
Write down a good thing that happened everyday and keep it in a jar to open at the end of the year.
Talk to someone when I feel down.
Keep going the gym, when I can.
Attempt to stop comparing myself to others.
They may not seem like much, but they will help me feel positive and complete a New Years resolution for once. That way, I can feel accomplished, like I have actually done some good.
Everyone has their own things, you may like mine, you may have some ideas of your own, please feel free to share them.
Here is to a great 2017, that will have its ups and downs, but no matter what, you can make it successful.