Hello darkness my old friend

Recently, I have started to lose control again. Externally I seem well put together and organised, internally, it is a completely different story.

Long story short, I am struggling.

For a fair few years now I have had a very love hate relationship with alcohol, which has been more hate than love. I cannot seem to help myself. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic exactly, but it is definitely heading that way.

It gets to a point where, if I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, I HAVE to have a drink, this usually consists of drinking a large amount of some kind of cheap spirit. Vodka.

For a while I had a handle on it, and I stopped drinking at home, but now, it is coming back, the impulse control has vanished. I have become fidgety, and every other thought is about the half a bottle I have in my bedroom, all I am basically waiting for is until it is an acceptable time to actually have a drink. It needs to be past a certain time, so I can get drunk, and no one will call or text that will require me to be functioning enough to actually respond. But even that is becoming difficult now.

Which brings me back to how I am losing control again. It is a bad thing, not in a “I am going to hurt myself” way but just a I am isolating myself, becoming drawn into myself. Its almost as if its a sensation I can feel all over my body, something itching to get out.

I just don’t think I am ready to go back into the dark again.



New year, new me?

Possible Trigger Warning

Honestly, that is just a load of crap! Especially when it comes to mental health..

I could pretend that I am going to make a whole load of new year resolutions, but half the time, they end up doing more harm than good.

I’ve done it before, I made resolutions that overall would always end up as harmful, even if my intentions have been good and I have tried to help myself, it hasn’t worked.

I’ve promised myself that

  • I won’t self harm ever again 
  • I will always take my medication
  • I will always get enough sleep
  • I will sort out my eating issues
  • I will make an effort to leave the house frequently
  • I will sort out my drinking
  • I will take better care of myself
  • I will tidy what needs to be tidied

While not all of those seem like huge deals, to me they are and to fail them year after year can be very serious and detrimental to my mental health. I feel like failure means I will never get better, that I am always going to be in this state. But thats not what I need, I need positivity, I need to make goals or resolutions that I can actually complete. This is the way forward.

Obviously, failures happen, to everyone, not just those with mental health. And failure is okay, it is never the end of the world, no matter how much you think so. I have thought it a fair few times myself. I just need to remember, like I am sure most of the people reading this will, that failure is okay, whats important is that you can pick yourself up and carry on, no matter how hard it is, you can do it and so can I.

So for positive resolutions I herby promise to

  • Meditate, not every day, just when I can, when I feel sad, or anxious. 
  • Keep a mood diary, maybe track my ups and downs. 
  • Write down a good thing that happened everyday and keep it in a jar to open at the end of the year.
  • Talk to someone when I feel down.
  • Keep going the gym, when I can.
  • Attempt to stop comparing myself to others.

They may not seem like much, but they will help me feel positive and complete a New Years resolution for once. That way, I can feel accomplished, like I have actually done some good.

Everyone has their own things, you may like mine, you may have some ideas of your own, please feel free to share them.

Here is to a great 2017, that will have its ups and downs, but no matter what, you can make it successful.



Depression..it never really goes away

After months of being okay. I’ve finally reached a point of broken again.

It comes in waves. The last wave, I lost my best friend. 

I was okay, I had ups and downs but nothing I couldn’t handle.

But today, I reached my breaking point. I caved in. After months of keeping my drinking under control no matter the temptation, but now I sit here with a bottle of vodka ready to drink and cry myself into a comatose state of despair.

I have people to talk to. In a sense. But not really that I can tell that I’ve gone back to drink. 

I am proud of myself in a sense. I contemplated stopping at various stores to collect a variety of painkillers. But I decided that vodka was my best option of the two.

Maybe things will seem better tomorrow.