I haven’t posted in a while, a long time, and there have been reasons for that, which makes it unfortunate that I have to start posting again.
At the very end of May, I got a job, a good job, something I have always wanted to do, which is writing. I love writing, and have done since I was a child, which is part of why I started a blog. So I could write.
Well at the end of September, I lost that job, I was made redundant. Which sounds okay, because it means I wasn’t fired.
What it does mean though is I lost something good. I lost something which gave me a good routine, that got me out of the house 5 days a week, that meant I didn’t sit at home all day, sitting alone, just watching random stuff on Netflix, sinking further and further into depression.
It is a nightmare. I feel like I lost a piece of myself.
I felt like I was achieving something, I was doing something that made me look accomplished in my parents eyes.
I am so embarrassed.
So it looks like I need to start posting here again. So, hey everyone!!
This is one of my least favourite things. Its 11pm, and I am feeling so productive, that tomorrow I will get loads done, start of those chores that need doing, this to do lists that I have had for just forever.
Yet I know all to well how that productivity fades once I fall to sleep. Its like that as the hours pass, it seeps away like a slow puncture in a tire.
I want so badly to do these things that I have put off, to be that functioning adult that I know I can be.
I probably partly do it to myself, by saying “oh this will be gone by tomorrow” setting my self up to fail. I cannot help it, past experience makes me sceptical.
I will always try to be this productive adult that can do chores and other adult things, but it feels like it is always just out of reach, as if I am reaching out and brushing it with my finger tips, grazing it. It is so close, yet so far as they say.
I give myself goals, realistic goals, yet even those seem impossible.
I wake to hear what sounds like building work happening in my building, so of course, I am intrigued as to what is happening. So clad in pjs and some large cardigan, I go and investigate. Well..It turns out that what is happening is that the whole building is getting a new intercom system. Which, while yes this is an amazing thing, we will finally get the ability to buzz people in to the building without having to go up and down the mountain amount of stairs (old building no lift) and I can silence my intercom phone if some kids decide to take it upon themselves to constantly harass me.
The problem I have with this..no warning. The landlord did not inform us that this was taking place. So to be woken by it, and then have a hour to mentally prepare myself for the fact that a stranger will be entering my flat. It is basically bullshit.
I don’t come with unexpected changes, let alone having to allow someone entry to my safe place with no warning what so ever. If I hadn’t gone to investigate, I wouldn’t have even had that hour!
Yes what this guy did took maybe 20 minutes at most, that isn’t the point. I was uncomfortable from the moment I knew he would be in my home, that comfort level decreased even further once he was in there. I had to ask him to keep the door propped open because I simply would not have been able to handle it. Of course he looked at me strange, but I am guessing he saw the pure worry that plagued my face and happily obliged even though it made his job so much more difficult.
Once finished, he left, said thank you and I had my brand new intercom phone. But the entire day I was off. I felt violated. Which is entirely ridiculous I know.
But for some back story as to why I feel like this… (trigger warning)
A year and a half ago, an assault took place, with someone who abused their role, there are specific jobs which you have to give people certain levels of trust..taxi drivers, workmen who enter your home, even neighbours. And this trust was abused. So since then, me having to be in a situation in which I am alone with someone where a level of trust like that is required, I can’t do it, especially with no warning. I had such a short amount of time to compose myself.
If I am ever having anything done within my flat that requires workmen. I ask for the furthest possible date away that they can give me so I have time and can be ready mentally for it. But this time, I was stood there, in my pyjamas, feeling completely vulnerable.
It is a horrible feeling, but thankfully, its all done now.
But unexpected things can be so damaging to those who have been affected by something in that past that was out of their control. I am one of those people.
Recently, I have started to lose control again. Externally I seem well put together and organised, internally, it is a completely different story.
Long story short, I am struggling.
For a fair few years now I have had a very love hate relationship with alcohol, which has been more hate than love. I cannot seem to help myself. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic exactly, but it is definitely heading that way.
It gets to a point where, if I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, I HAVE to have a drink, this usually consists of drinking a large amount of some kind of cheap spirit. Vodka.
For a while I had a handle on it, and I stopped drinking at home, but now, it is coming back, the impulse control has vanished. I have become fidgety, and every other thought is about the half a bottle I have in my bedroom, all I am basically waiting for is until it is an acceptable time to actually have a drink. It needs to be past a certain time, so I can get drunk, and no one will call or text that will require me to be functioning enough to actually respond. But even that is becoming difficult now.
Which brings me back to how I am losing control again. It is a bad thing, not in a “I am going to hurt myself” way but just a I am isolating myself, becoming drawn into myself. Its almost as if its a sensation I can feel all over my body, something itching to get out.
I just don’t think I am ready to go back into the dark again.
As of April 14th (Good Friday), my mother and father (also known as Tracy and Paul) will be completing a 7 day bike ride which will stretch a massive 1839 mile in total, this will include an average of 262 miles at around 7 hours of bike travel a day. This will be undertaken using no motorways at all, completely A and B roads. It is known as the John O’Groats to Lands End Loop. While it sounds like a serious challenge, it is definitely for a good cause.
The reason for this apparent madness is to raise awareness and money for 2 charities, these 2 are Merseyside Jewish Community Care (MMJC) and a more personal charity of Missing People. Links for both which can be found below.
MMJC – MJCC provides administrative and care services to the Jewish community in Merseyside, through a small team of staff and volunteers. MJCC aims to enhance the lives of Jewish families, through supporting their physical and mental well- being. They work in partnership with social workers, health professionals (including Marie Curie), housing providers and the wider community, to support clients and assist with cultural sensitivity and understanding.
Missing People – Paul’s brother , Steven Lockyer, went missing from our lives in April 2016. Missing People is the only charity which offers support to both families who have people missing, and equally to those people who are actually missing from people’s lives. The work they do is imperative, and helps to find, reunite, and support thousands of missing people each year. Unfortunately during the planning of this ride to raise awareness of the disappearance of Steven, we sadly received news and confirmation of Steven’s death. We now dedicate this ride to Steven’s loving memory and hope you can support us in raising funds for other families that have missing loved ones.
While I know this is a little outside of my usual blogging posts, this is definitely close to my heart and I would appreciate completely if you would maybe be able to donate or if not, at least share the links I provide so more awareness can be generated from my parents massive hearts.
You can also follow the progress of the challenge on their Facebook page. While right now it seems pretty dormant, more information and pictures will be added closer to the time, and they will be providing real time updates and pictures throughout the weeks challenge itself.
Its well known that those with anxiety have an issue with “unexpected loud noises” – fireworks, thunder, large crowds etc.. Well for me, I hate all of those things, yet the one I hate the most is wind. Wind terrifies me.
Sound off, well let me explain. The physical act of wind is fine, I can walk around in it everyday if I so wished (and there was wind available to walk around in). What I have the issue with is, that in my flat, I have a skylight in my bedroom, which isn’t as awesome as you’d think. This skylight is old. This skylight rattles. Now imagine what happens when a storm comes flying through the UK.
Currently, the UK is experiencing what we are calling “Storm Doris”. Well, storm Doris can go fuck itself.
It has been classed as a weather bomb, not something you really want to be around for particularly, this storm is also recording up to 100mph winds. Public transport has been stopped in places, certain areas are closed off due to the high winds, and in the north it has caused what the UK would class as blizzards.
Now picture having anxiety, with a serious hate for winds and the noise it causes. Now picture me. I had to leave my home, just to get away from the wind. This sounds ridiculous I know, but the noise of the skylight rattling so furiously was sending me into severe panic.
I am pretty convinced that I will go home and not have a skylight anymore, just a gaping hole where it used to reside. This would be a complete pain, as that would then require someone coming into my home, which I do not feel comfortable with. It really is a nightmare situation.
As I write this, it is late morning, the storm or at least the strong winds will continue well into the evening. I am actually living a nightmare.
But for now, I will remain cooped up in a coffee shop, where the only noises are that of light conversation, furious typing and the occasional coffee being made. And for now that suits me just fine.
For a while I was unable to write, I mean, yes I blogged, but for the longest time, I wanted to write a book, something of a fiction nature. I always had so many ideas but just never acted on them. I was so uncommitted that I never even wrote these ideas down. Gone for ever. It is possibly I would remember them again, but I would go through the same cycle. Get idea – forget idea and repeat. It was a nightmare.
I always used to write. On my old laptop there are various word documents where I would write a few paragraphs, get a new idea, and start writing a new one. I never actually finished anything, but I was okay with that, I just enjoyed writing, getting my ideas on paper, making them real.
Well, a few years ago, I lost that. And it was rather upsetting if I am truly honest. to be even more honest, I lost the urge to do a lot of things I loved. I know this is a symptom of depression, but that doesn’t make it any less..well..depressing. I would try and fight that lethargic lack of interest that I developed, but I just couldn’t get myself to do anything I previously enjoyed. From reading a book, going for a bike ride and of course writing.
I took up blogging in the hopes that It would help me get that spark back. Because this is a form of creative writing on its own. I am taking my ideas about things that are happening in my life and creating something for others to read, but even after a year of running this particular blog, it didn’t happen.
My dream is, and has been for a long time, to be a writer, to write a book, to write something of worth that affects people on a great scale, that makes them happy, makes them sad. To make them feel.
And well of course, there is a reason I am writing this post, on this particular subject.
I have my spark back. I finally picked up my laptop, opened up a word document, and I wrote something. Completely fictional. But i found an idea, and i wrote it down, I kept it there, hoping it would encourage me to actually write and for some unknown reason it has.
So, for now, I am happy. I have my spark back and I am trying my hardest to keep that spark lit. I haven’t put any pressure on myself. I don’t have any ridiculous expectations that I have to write 2 pages a day. My only rule is that everyday, I write something, whether it is a sentence or pages and pages. Its that small amount of structure that I require, and that helps me function as a person who aspires to do something with their life that they have dreamed of.
I understand my dream isn’t always something people manage, I know that, there is so false hope or expectations. So many authors have just gotten where they are from pure luck. And of course, I know that I will no where near be the next J.K Rowling. But maybe if I can just get one thing published… But dreams are dreams for a reason.BEa
So I have seen online, various you tubers and bloggers doing this thing called “Bullet Journaling”. I know it isn’t a new thing over all but it is definitely very new to me. I saw it originally just after christmas, so using a voucher I got for amazon as a chirstmas gift, I got my supplies
It took about 2 weeks total for most of it to come, I am still waiting on a couple of bits but I thought I should start the journal anyway.
For those who haven’t heard of it, who like me was completely in the dark, it is in my opinion a fantastic way to organise your life.
++You just take an empty notebook and take it from there, you create pages that will be helpful to you. For example, a few of my pages are a page that has everyones birthdays listed, simply because my memory is awful and I ALWAYS forget stuff like that, which in turn makes me feel rubbish. ++Another example is a blog writing ideas 2 page spread. Which i personally find very helpful. I mean the amount of times I have thought of an idea, not been able to write it down and then thats it, its gone. So now I have a specific place, in a notebook that I will always carry with me to write these ideas, which can only improve my blogging standard, right? Maybe not. But its still very helpful either way. ++Last example would be my habit tracker. Over 2 pages, i make a spreadsheet style layout, with various headlines down the side. Then at the end of the day, before I go to bed, I fill it out in relation to the day. As someone who has mental illness, and should probably keep track of various things, such as moods, the amount of sleep I get, whether I am tired during the day etc..It is very good. And for me to to this I have to do it a month at a time, So currently I am writing in Januarys, then once I reach the 31st, I will create februarys.
Online Shopping Tracker
Blog Writing Ideas
January Habit Tracker
Now, what I have found that is very good with this whole bullet journal system, is that you do it to your own life. You create pages that are helpful to you. That will help you in your daily life. And there is so much more freedom that a bog standard two thousand and whatever diary that you buy in shops.
There is the ability to be as creative as you want, using colours, fancy writing etc, anything really, its yours to design how ever you desire. The best part is, you don’t have to be massively creative or goo at art to do so. I know I defitnitley and not very good, but I still love what I have done with mine.
It is such a great way to have fun, and get organised all at the same time! What could be better? Ive only had it for a few days, and this will sound silly, but just creating the journal, coming up with various ideas for pages has really boosted my mood. It has give me something to focus on, something fun to do that doesn’t require a massive amount of energy. I have felt productive, without the need to actually be productive. For me it is a win win situation.
Now, for those who might be interested, I will list some of the products I have used in the creation of my bullet journal
Lechtturn 1917, 249 Dotted Pages with back pocket
Cat style sticky notes
Durable sticky index tabs
Lechtturn 1917 pen loop
Sharpie fine line pens
Rainbow Ball Pens
Now of course, everyone has their own preferences for products they would like to use, those are just mine. There are hundreds of ideas online if you need a suggestionBu
When you can just wallow in your own self loathing.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep. Its been a literal waking nightmare. Even with my medication which is intended to help me sleep. My own body has been fighting them. This means I am in some kind of limbo, not quite asleep, but not awake enough to actually do anything, its a technical paralysis.
I can’t do anything to make me tired, but I can’t sleep.
I don’t exactly know what to do, nothing can help, and the earlier I take the pills, just the longer I am stuck in this limbo until I do eventually fall asleep.
Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Well its very similar to that, although not as extreme, I don’t get the hallucinations or the paralysis as intensely, but it is along the same lines.
I end up just laying there, unable to occupy my self, just staring at the ceiling until I eventually drop off, and this process can take hours, and that unfortunately is not an exaggeration.
Which brings me to my very first sentence.
Wallowing in self loathing.
Being unable to doing anything means that I am just led there, thinking, as I am sure most people would do, yet those thoughts are usually “what am I going to do tomorrow?, what is for breakfast?, a to do list…etc” But as I am sure most of you reading this will understand, is that having mental illness means that those thoughts can be rather, to put it plainly…shit.
I think about everything, every small mistake, ever giant mistake. I can’t help it. Every bad thought that could possibly enter my head, enters it. This, as I am probably sure you know, isn’t a great thing.
It causes nightmares based on these thoughts, which means the quality of sleep is awful, and then the rest of the day is awful. It is an endless cycle. The rubbish sleep means that I am remarkably tired, but then as I am unable to sleep in the night, I am just getting more and more tired. I mean for some reason, I am able to function on very little sleep but that doesn’t mean I should.
Unfortunately I am completely out of ideas as to what to do about it, especially as the medications are supposed to help me.
I am feeling very lost and frustrated and am losing the will to live (possibly an exaggeration but you get my point)
I hope that non of you actually experience this, but if you do, I am sorry and I hope that you make it through to the other side.