Getting away for a few days

I am fortunate enough to have a friend and her dad live outside of Liverpool, they live in the North of Wales in a very nice little house.

Its warm, cosy and I always feel more then welcomed here.

Her dad, who’s house it is, is like a surrogate father to me, and knows pretty much everything that has every happened to me, and knows about all my mental issues. I am able to call him if I ever feel like I need to talk to someone. Its really so lovely.

Well, when I feel like I am in a bad place, or its possible I could be in one and I don’t want to be alone, I come here.

Which is why I am so fortunate. Sometimes what you need is to get away for a few days, and I am also lucky enough to have the luxury to be able to go away for a few days without it being too much of an issue.

It means I can come here an clear my head in a safe environment. Where I am away from harm, and not at risk of harming myself.

I don’t plan on doing anything different from what I do at home, I will sit, on my laptop, watching tv or films, but I can do it in a place where I don’t feel as sad or alone. Even if there is no one in the house while I am here, its the different environment that helps me.

If you have the chance to have a change of place even if its just for the day, please do so, it can do wonders for your mental health to get out of an environment in which you don’t feel okay, safe or happy in.  If not, let me know, I am available to talk. I can give you my email, or phone number, or even Facebook. We can chat until you feel okay.

I know what it is like to feel like you are trapped, and I know what it feels like to feel like you don’t have anyone there. I can be that person.

 

Where did my motivation go?

I’ve noticed something, and it’s starting to irritate me. My motivational abilities suck.

The only time I am motivated to do anything, is at night when I can’t really do the things I want to do.

I am at my most creative, motivated, logical, “non mentally ill”, late at night. And it’s pissing me off. I want to be all these things, all the time, but for some reason 7pm onwards is my peak time.

I come up with plans, I write lists, I sort out everything, then when morning comes, *poof*, it’s gone. I end up just spending the day in bed, being entirely unproductive. 

Then I feel crappy about wasting my day, by literally laying in bed. I don’t know how I spend my time either, when I look back, it just does not seem feasible that I have done nothing for 12+ hours. 

But after all this, when the night comes, like some shit horror film, I become the person I want to be.

A ridiculous cycle of shit.

So I would like to know, WHERE DID MY MOTIVATION GO?! 

Stressed is an understatement 

Nothing is worse than moving house. The stress involved is just indescribable.

But no…I have found the worse. Having to move house because of mental health reasons and a neighbour you are scared of. And on top of this, simply not being able to afford it.

From the top, I can no longer live in Liverpool, so much bad stuff has happened here. I need a fresh start. And for me that fresh start is Scotland. I know people who live there so I won’t be alone but I will be out of Liverpool. 

My neighbour is an alcoholic. He drinks and then becomes angry and violent. That mostly becomes targeted at me. It is terrifying. 90% of the time I am scared to leave the house because he waits for me. He stands by his door and waits for me to leave. So I need out of this hell hole.

Now moving costs money. I have no money. It is an awful situation I am in. And I don’t know what to do about it any more. I am stuck in somewhere that is making me physically and mentally sick. 

Being an adult is hard. Being an adult who has to worry about all of this at the age of 22, is harder. 

Coping is becoming more difficult by the day, and survival isn’t something that I can do whilst living here.  

Spending money (I don’t have)

I find that I am very good at spending my money on things that I can’t afford and just do not need.

It makes my life very difficult at times. I will have spent all my money on cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, pretty much useless crap, and then when it comes to paying bills I can’t do it.

The amount of times I have had my electricity go off with no means to get it back on, or I have simply run out of food and not eaten for a few days.

It’s a serious impulse control issue.

I have tried budgeting, writing down what I spend, just not taking money out with me when I leave the house. But I still end up spending it stupidly and ending up with nothing for the necessities.

I will then be too embarrassed to ask for help. I cannot go to my parents, and I hate myself whenever I have to borrow money from my friends. 

People put it down to me just being stupid. But I know the real reason.

My bipolar, it makes my impulse control almost non existent. At the time it always seems like a good idea to go on that night out and spend £50, or I always really need that new pair of jeans, even though I already have enough to open my own shop.

Maybe one day I will be able to figure something out to help me with this impulse control issue, but right now I just have to survive until that day comes. 

Lists

Something I need to start doing again is writing lists. They help me so much, just the structure of them help me function during the day. I used to make all kinds of lists, from detailed shopping lists (for food) as well as shopping lists for standard everyday items I might need. Then of course there was the lists so I don’t forget anything in the morning.

Its organisation that I need to get back into. I am just so bad at it lately and it doesn’t help me at all. I need organisation to function. Which is probably why every now and then I will tidy (and organise) my friend flat..yes…I do that…I will help tidy her flat but I wont tidy mine..It just doesn’t make any sense.

I am definitly going to start, I already have a designated notebook that is only small so I can carry it around with me everywhere easily. It will also help with when I think of blog posts I suppose as well.. Two birds with on stone!

 

Sleeping…

My sleeping has been very sporadic lately. The other day I slept for 16 hours, I woke up a couple times but went straight back to sleep. Its just bizarre.

Last night I slept for about 11 hours. And this was straight through. No waking up.

It worries how much I am sleeping, I am going back into old habits and I can feel the depressive episode coming on. Which scares me.

I found an old razor blade earlier and I broke down.I am scared of going back and not being able to come out of it again.

I have asked my friend to come over tonight, just to give me some piece of mind and make me feel safe and secure again.