It’s been a few days – a small update 

Well,

I passed my history exam. All the comments made were about where I knew I had messed up. So .. Score!

During the exam itself, I ended up in a smaller room with just 3 other people, my anxiety caused me to freak out so much that I ended up in the personal tutors office, say on the floor. It was definitely the most interesting exam I have taken for that reason alone.

I am on half term now though. A nice week off but I am going to use it to revise…in theory.

And lastly, I haven’t felt like myself this week. And by this, I mean I have felt like a different person separate to me. I think more of an explanation would be better in a post of its own.

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Revising to get a grade..not to learn

That is all education has become…You don’t revise to learn things, you revise so you can get a good grade on a test.

The pressure that is put on anyone in education, not just kids, but anyone its absolutely ridiculous! I don’t feel like I am learning anything by taking my whole day to write out pages and pages of notes. It is for the short term. I will never use any of the facts that I am revising ever again in my life. All it is for is so I can get a good grade on a test so it makes my college look good.

I am not okay with that!

I don’t want to be learning something simply for a grade. I don’t want to have so much pressure put on me to get a good grade that I have multiple panic attacks and will avoid going into college. Really that makes things worse, but I feel so bad and overwhelmed by the pressure that I receive that I don’t have any  other options.

Education SHOULD NOT  be just about grades and how well you perform. Obviously there should be some form of marking system, that is how people improve…but I want to get an education so I can learn new things and make my self better as a person.

Right now, in the course I am doing, I don’t think that is my end goal. My end goal is to get a good grade and then get as far away from education as I possibly can. The thought of having to do this all again makes me feel physically drained and sick, I couldn’t do it. Mentally I would not be able to take the stress that is dealt out.

Education needs to be sorted out, perhaps the amount that anxiety disorders has increased in college age students should say something to the state of the system.

Surely I cannot be the only one who thinks this? I just don’t know how to make a stand.. or who to talk to about this who will actually listen and take notice.

Maybe in the future it will become something people enjoy again, but for now, I know for a fact that people are only putting themselves through countless years of education over and over again, because that is what we have been taught to believe is right – I would like a new teacher please!

Why must anxiety ruin my life?!

While the title seems a little extreme, I am here to tell you that in fact it is not.

Today, at 2pm I was meant to go to my college and do a mock exam in Law. What is it I did instead? I had 3 panic attacks from 9am. Threw up from stress and panic twice. And to top it all off I nearly passed out. Long story short, I didn’t go to the exam. I have now received a text and an email from my personal tutor asking me to ring him, something I am not going to be able to do in any shape or form so I will do my usual tactic and ignore it until it hopefully goes away.

I simply cannot do exams, no matter how hard I try, I just seem to flail, panic and give up. I tried revising, and was revising until about 1am this morning. I took notes and even tried to get a decent night sleep, which was impossible, I woke up many times from stress induced nightmares, and was woken up this morning by my friend calling my at around 9 to check I was up. Which is when the panic set in.

I don’t like the control that anxiety seems to have over me. Luckily it was only a mock exam. It could have been a lot more damaging.

I have got an appointment with my doctor on wednesday, well I say appointment, she is going to call me at some point. I have to get a new prescription, a new sick note and now a letter explaining they I have an anxiety disorder and would perhaps benefit from more time in an exam or something like that. I don’t know.

I just have to try an get myself together now and revise for my exam (mock) on Wednesday, which is in history. But I like history so I won’t actually mind..in theory.

I just want anxiety to take a back seat for about 2 months. It can come back after that, just the next 2 months off from it would be lovely.

A different path to University

As described in a previous post which can be found here, I have made my opinion about me going to University clear. It just isn’t for me.

So what do I do instead?

Well, my plan is an internship, a writing internship. Being as my main love is writing and that is what I want to go into as a career when I am older, I thought there would be nothing better.

I was wrong! It isn’t so difficult to find internships here in Liverpool. Like incredibly difficult. I spent hours scouring the internet hoping to find something. I have applied to a couple that I have found and got one response but still, I need more options. I chose to not go to University for this. And now its come round and bit me on the ass. Everything has gone tits up.

I applied to this thing on the Guardian, as they have a student section, so maybe that could lead somewhere, or at least get me some more experience. Which can be found here is anyone is interested in attempting it as well.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her to pick something more realistic as a career, but nope. I am stuck. I do not want to do anything else, its my passion.

Being an adult is hard and I wish I had known that as a child..I think I would have appreciated my childhood a little bit more.

 

Motivation…or lack of

I have 2 mock exams coming up.
Law – Monday 1st February
History – Wednesday 3rd February

For some horrible reason I just cannot seem to get the motivation to revise for either of them. And it isn’t like they are just small exams, especially law..They have a lot of content that has to be covered due to the possibility of it coming up on the test.

So now I am panicking, and making myself feel even worse about the whole thing. I know they are only mocks and don’t count towards my final grade, I just don’t want to do horribly.

It is basically one massive downward spiral that I am heading into and I am finding it difficult to function and cope with stress of it all.

New and improved morning routine: College edition..

7 am – Wake up
7:05 – Make coffee
7:10 – Drink flask of water, then refill it and put back in the fridge
7:15 – Brush teeth, wash face, weigh self
7:30 – Get dressed
7:45 – Do hair and make up
8:00 – Check social media (facebook, twitter, tumblr, wordpress etc..)
8:15 – Pack bag for college
8:30 – Leave home

 

Hopefully having a structured and timed routine will help me in the mornings. It needs to because right now I really struggle to get up and actually go to college on a regular basis.

Bad eating habits, electronics and assignments…

It seems to slowly be becoming a problem for me again. When I was younger I really struggled with eating and developed bulimia. And it was very difficult. I barely ate at all, or I would just eat everything I could manage until I was physically sick.

Today all I have eaten, and all I am planning on eating are a few chocolate coins. Even that feels like too much. I have a plan though, on Wednesday, I am going to go out to a restaurant and eat with a friend. This is after I get my hair cut so I will feel better..

Also, as well as college, I am going to be going to a second hand electronics store and get my self a external hard drive! I need one so badly, the memory on this laptop is awful so I am limited as to what I can actually save on it.

Plus, I have an old laptop that I still use but is on its way out, and I just have so much on there that I need to save…and soon!!

Talking of college, I have 2 overdue assignments, I just never did them. With Scotland I never did work up there and its now a week later and I am no closer to finishing them. I fucked up again. It seems the only way I can work is last minute and in a panic…

 

Sickness

I have just developed some horrible sickness, I feel like death. Done the adult thing and emailed my college to let them know though. I hate having to email and call when its adult things like that. It properly puts me on edge. Feel really crap. Like they are going to tell me off.

Hopefully I will be alright tomorrow.