Late night productivity

This is one of my least favourite things. Its 11pm, and I am feeling so productive, that tomorrow I will get loads done, start of those chores that need doing, this to do lists that I have had for just forever.

Yet I know all to well how that productivity fades once I fall to sleep. Its like that as the hours pass, it seeps away like a slow puncture in a tire.

I want so badly to do these things that I have put off, to be that functioning adult that I know I can be.

I probably partly do it to myself, by saying “oh this will be gone by tomorrow” setting my self up to fail. I cannot help it, past experience makes me sceptical.

I will always try to be this productive adult that can do chores and other adult things, but it feels like it is always just out of reach, as if I am reaching out and brushing it with my finger tips, grazing it. It is so close, yet so far as they say.

I give myself goals, realistic goals, yet even those seem impossible.

 

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME ADULT

Shameless promoting

I posted about this on march 5th you can see the post here : Big charity bike ride

For a quick recap, on April 14th my mum and dad started a charity motor bike ride that spans 1839 miles over 7 days. Well they are finally on day 7.

I am posting again because I am shamelessly promoting it and really want people to donate! They have done so well and I am so proud of them! so please donate and share this out there!

Facebook – you can read up on more of what they have done and see how their bike ride went (and donate)

Sponsor Me – you can also donate here and read up on some more information about the event and the charities they are doing this whole thing for!

Unexpected can be damaging

This happened a couple of days ago.

I wake to hear what sounds like building work happening in my building, so of course, I am intrigued as to what is happening. So clad in pjs and some large cardigan, I go and investigate. Well..It turns out that what is happening is that the whole building is getting a new intercom system. Which, while yes this is an amazing thing, we will finally get the ability to buzz people in to the building without having to go up and down the mountain amount of stairs (old building no lift) and I can silence my intercom phone if some kids decide to take it upon themselves to constantly harass me.

The problem I have with this..no warning. The landlord did not inform us that this was taking place. So to be woken by it, and then have a hour to mentally prepare myself for the fact that a stranger will be entering my flat. It is basically bullshit.

I don’t come with unexpected changes, let alone having to allow someone entry to my safe place with no warning what so ever. If I hadn’t gone to investigate, I wouldn’t have even had that hour!

Yes what this guy did took maybe 20 minutes at most, that isn’t the point. I was uncomfortable from the moment I knew he would be in my home, that comfort level decreased even further once he was in there. I had to ask him to keep the door propped open because I simply would not have been able to handle it. Of course he looked at me strange, but I am guessing he saw the pure worry that plagued my face and happily obliged even though it made his job so much more difficult.

Once finished, he left, said thank you and I had my brand new intercom phone. But the entire day I was off. I felt violated. Which is entirely ridiculous I know.

But for some back story as to why I feel like this… (trigger warning)

A year and a half ago, an assault took place, with someone who abused their role, there are specific jobs which you have to give people certain levels of trust..taxi drivers, workmen who enter your home, even neighbours. And this trust was abused. So since then, me having to be in a situation in which I am alone with someone where a level of trust like that is required, I can’t do it, especially with no warning. I had such a short amount of time to compose myself.

If I am ever having anything done within my flat that requires workmen. I ask for the furthest possible date away that they can give me so I have time and can be ready mentally for it. But this time, I was stood there, in my pyjamas, feeling completely vulnerable.

It is a horrible feeling, but thankfully, its all done now.

But unexpected things can be so damaging to those who have been affected by something in that past that was out of their control. I am one of those people.