Hello darkness my old friend

Recently, I have started to lose control again. Externally I seem well put together and organised, internally, it is a completely different story.

Long story short, I am struggling.

For a fair few years now I have had a very love hate relationship with alcohol, which has been more hate than love. I cannot seem to help myself. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic exactly, but it is definitely heading that way.

It gets to a point where, if I get it in my head that I want to have a drink, I HAVE to have a drink, this usually consists of drinking a large amount of some kind of cheap spirit. Vodka.

For a while I had a handle on it, and I stopped drinking at home, but now, it is coming back, the impulse control has vanished. I have become fidgety, and every other thought is about the half a bottle I have in my bedroom, all I am basically waiting for is until it is an acceptable time to actually have a drink. It needs to be past a certain time, so I can get drunk, and no one will call or text that will require me to be functioning enough to actually respond. But even that is becoming difficult now.

Which brings me back to how I am losing control again. It is a bad thing, not in a “I am going to hurt myself” way but just a I am isolating myself, becoming drawn into myself. Its almost as if its a sensation I can feel all over my body, something itching to get out.

I just don’t think I am ready to go back into the dark again.



The big charity bike ride

As of April 14th (Good Friday), my mother and father (also known as Tracy and Paul) will be completing a 7 day bike ride which will stretch a massive 1839 mile in total, this will include an average of 262 miles at around 7 hours of bike travel a day. This will be undertaken using no motorways at all, completely A and B roads. It is known as the John O’Groats to Lands End Loop. While it sounds like a serious challenge, it is definitely for a good cause.

The reason for this apparent madness is to raise awareness and money for 2 charities, these 2 are Merseyside Jewish Community Care (MMJC) and a more personal charity of Missing People. Links for both which can be found below.



MMJC – MJCC provides administrative and care services to the Jewish community in Merseyside, through a small team of staff and volunteers. MJCC aims to enhance the lives of Jewish families, through supporting their physical and mental well- being. They work in partnership with social workers, health professionals (including Marie Curie), housing providers and the wider community, to support clients and assist with cultural sensitivity and understanding.

Missing People – Paul’s brother , Steven Lockyer, went missing from our lives in April 2016. Missing People is the only charity which offers support to both families who have people missing, and equally to those people who are actually missing from people’s lives. The work they do is imperative, and helps to find, reunite, and support thousands of missing people each year. Unfortunately during the planning of this ride to raise awareness of the disappearance of Steven, we sadly received news and confirmation of Steven’s death. We now dedicate this ride to Steven’s loving memory and hope you can support us in raising funds for other families that have missing loved ones.

While I know this is a little outside of my usual blogging posts, this is definitely close to my heart and I would appreciate completely if you would maybe be able to donate or if not, at least share the links I provide so more awareness can be generated from my parents massive hearts.

Donate Here

You can also follow the progress of the challenge on their Facebook page. While right now it seems pretty dormant, more information and pictures will be added closer to the time, and they will be providing real time updates and pictures throughout the weeks challenge itself.


Thank you everyone for reading this!