When you can just wallow in your own self loathing.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to sleep. Its been a literal waking nightmare. Even with my medication which is intended to help me sleep. My own body has been fighting them. This means I am in some kind of limbo, not quite asleep, but not awake enough to actually do anything, its a technical paralysis.
I can’t do anything to make me tired, but I can’t sleep.
I don’t exactly know what to do, nothing can help, and the earlier I take the pills, just the longer I am stuck in this limbo until I do eventually fall asleep.
Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Well its very similar to that, although not as extreme, I don’t get the hallucinations or the paralysis as intensely, but it is along the same lines.
I end up just laying there, unable to occupy my self, just staring at the ceiling until I eventually drop off, and this process can take hours, and that unfortunately is not an exaggeration.
Which brings me to my very first sentence.
Wallowing in self loathing.
Being unable to doing anything means that I am just led there, thinking, as I am sure most people would do, yet those thoughts are usually “what am I going to do tomorrow?, what is for breakfast?, a to do list…etc” But as I am sure most of you reading this will understand, is that having mental illness means that those thoughts can be rather, to put it plainly…shit.
I think about everything, every small mistake, ever giant mistake. I can’t help it. Every bad thought that could possibly enter my head, enters it. This, as I am probably sure you know, isn’t a great thing.
It causes nightmares based on these thoughts, which means the quality of sleep is awful, and then the rest of the day is awful. It is an endless cycle. The rubbish sleep means that I am remarkably tired, but then as I am unable to sleep in the night, I am just getting more and more tired. I mean for some reason, I am able to function on very little sleep but that doesn’t mean I should.
Unfortunately I am completely out of ideas as to what to do about it, especially as the medications are supposed to help me.
I am feeling very lost and frustrated and am losing the will to live (possibly an exaggeration but you get my point)
I hope that non of you actually experience this, but if you do, I am sorry and I hope that you make it through to the other side.