Possible Trigger Warning
Stress, like am sure it is for a lot of people, is for me a trigger. I am not talking standard stress, like being busy at work, that stress I can handle. I am talking out of the ordinary stress, the unexpected, the abnormal, the things that don’t happen every day.
I can’t deal with it. It triggers my anxiety, it triggers my bipolar, it triggers my bpd. I just triggers me.
I have found that when this unusual stress occurs, I can hallucinate, become depersonalised, disillusioned. Its scary. Its like I cannot think or see straight.
I am not the same person anymore. I can feel things moving under my skin, making me want to self harm. (I am sorry if this is upsetting for some people, I do apologise),
It is such a complicated thing, and its all caused by stress, its remarkable really that such big things can be caused by what many may perceive as small and insignificant.
But mental health is such a wide array of things that people don’t understand, even those who have mental illnesses don’t truly understand. Its been 7ish years since I was diagnosed and I still don’t have a damn clue what goes on most of the time. Its a learning curve, for everyone involved. And while stress may be an complete asshole to me, I do like knowing that stress is a trigger.
Learning is what helps, learning helps me improve, learning helps me.
But overall, stress sucks. I hate it but it helps me learn and I am willing to fight the consequences of each and every stressful moment if it helps me beat this ongoing battle that is my mind.
Stress may be the enemy, but learning to love it, thats my way forward. Lets just hope I don’t go too far into the darkness first.