Exercise and Depression

According to most internet searches about natural remedies for depression .. Exercise is one of them. It may because those who reported an improvement in their depression was because theirs stemmed from a self image problem, or because it helped them leave the house. We may never properly know whether or not exercise will actually help with depression…but whats the harm in giving it a go?

I thought I might as well, it cost £13.99 a month, and I was lucky enough to join with just a £1 joining fee, so admittedly, I wouldn’t have joined if it had been its normal £20, but there we go. Small miracles.

I started just before Christmas, about a week in fact, and I made it my mission to go every day. Not because I wanted to get fit quickly (even if that would be nice) but it was to get my self confidence up, so I could feel comfortable in the gym.

Its not a fact I hide, but I am over weight, and I am not very confident in my own skin, even if that is the persona I exude, I am deeply uncomfortable and essentially hate my self. Which is never a good thing to happen. But here we are, so I deal with it.

Anyway, back to the gym, I went everyday but Monday and Saturday (Christmas Eve) and I even had a personal training session. Which was brilliant because it helped me figure out exactly what will work for me, and I will have a plan, so I know what I need to do to help me get fit and back to I a place in which I feel comfortable with myself.

I get 2 more free sessions, then I will have to start paying every time I want one, I don’t think it will be too much, And the lady I am trained with seems really lovely. And really helped me feel okay with the fact I couldn’t do very much.

I get the exercise helps release endorphins which helps you feel better, whether or not it will help my depression remains to be seen. But lets find out shall we?

Annoying

Can anyone else feel themselves being annoying?

Because I can.

I can feel myself just saying simple things and knowing that people have just had enough of me talking.

I am trying to be nice. I am trying to let my dad know that he doesn’t have to stay awake because I am awake. But I just feel like I am annoying when I say anything. Its awful and soul crushing.

I feel like I can’t stop.

I need validation.

I want to connect with my family.

It makes me sad that I feel like the ultimate black sheep.

I don’t really know what to do. I am just being myself and it feels like I and an irritant and an annoying. Goodbye self confidence. They are my parents and I don’t even feel comfortable half the time. It sucks!

Edit: Has anyone ever said something, then told themselves to just shut up because their opinions are “invalid”?

 

Medication

Is it possible to actually enjoy taking medication for mental illness?

Because, for some reason, I am.

Sertraline 50mg
Promazine 50mg

The sertraline helps with my anxiety and depression and the promazine helps with the mood disorders and sleep.

The promazine if the first of that kind of type that actually helps me sleep, that doesn’t give me horrific restless leg syndrome. Its fabulous. It actually makes me happy to sleep. So for that reason, I actually enjoy taking it.

I do have a very strange side effect though…

Every morning when I wake up, for about 30 seconds, I shake uncontrollably. Its bizarre, I can’t help it, but I just roll with it anyway.

Despite it though, I do genuinely enjoy taking it.

Only issue, I am not allowed to really drink on these medications, but I do anyway. I mean, as I type this, I am sat in the living room drinking spiced rum and coke. Which is just delicious by the way.

It doesn’t affect me massively, just makes me more drowsy than normal, yet I take the medication at night just before bed anyway so it doesn’t make a huge difference. I think possibly if I had to take them in the morning, I wouldn’t drink as much but considering they have to be taken at night, I will drink away!

Ive rambled slightly, but the whole point is that I enjoy taking my medication, I think it is really helping…as much as medication can.

 

Insomnia is a goddamn bitch

I’m not sure I even noticed it creeping up on me, just out of nowhere the past 2 or 3 days, I haven’t been able to sleep.

Usually, come 10/11pm I am shattered and falling asleep, if not asleep already.

But here we are, another night, past midnight, and I am wide awake.

I am exhausted, I am yawning non stop. But I just cannot get my body to shut down and sleep.

Last night I was awake until gone 4am. The night before I think it was around 3/4am. I cannot keep this up.

I couldn’t even pinpoint the reason behind it, the cause. Stress? The start of a manic episode? Anxiety? I mean the list can be endless, so who knows, it could even be a combination of a few things.

Things I’ve tried to help me sleep:

•putting my phone/laptop away

•reading

•closing my eyes and counting back from 1000 (just so you know, I reached 465 before I gave up out of frustration)

herbal tea

•stretching each section of my body one at a time in an attempt to relax

I have officially run out of ideas. I love sleep, I adore sleep, naps used to be part of my daily routine and I would still manage a good 7/8 hours of sleep at night.

That is another thing I have noticed. When I was sleeping, I was still waking up constantly tired. But I wouldn’t be able to nap. That has been happening over the past week or so. Maybe that was the warning side, my body gearing up to tell me that I’m no longer allowed decent sleep. First it took my naps, now my evening slumber. 

Irritatingly though, not sleeping is stressing me out, which I know full well is contributing towards the insomnia. Even if stress isn’t the official cause, it’s definitely creeping in there now as one.

Fuck insomnia.

I’m here if you need to talk..

Just a simple sentence but to me it is so powerful.

It’s a simple gesture, that anyone can utter, no matter how well you know them. But it reveals that small ounce of humanity and ability to care that most of the time I think doesn’t exist.

The person saying it could know everything that you’ve been through, or they could just think you’ve had a bad day. It doesn’t matter, the thought behind it is just such a wonderful thing.

They want you to be okay, they want you to know you aren’t alone, even if they don’t know you very well, they want you to know these things.

For me, just that sentence being said can make me feel better, give me a little hope, and get me through the next day/week/month. 

Words are such powerful things, and I think we forget that. They have the power to kill and to heal, and we definitely take them for granted at times, not realising the affect they have on others. 

So when someone utters that simple sentence, it is probably done without thought, but just as a kind and impulsive gesture. And that makes me incredibly happy.