Self help handbag

People always talk about anxiety, and ways to help your self calm down when you are at home. But what about when you are out? What happens then? Usually those anxiety self help kits are too bulky, too conspicuous, just over all a bit much, and you cannot take them out. 

Well I’ve created my own, that I can take with me, that fits in most hand bags (like I am sure many people have done before me).

Obviously, everyone is different, and everyone has their own things that “calm them down”, so this is just a snippet into what helps me :).

In a small pouch (as to keep it together and accessible) I keep:

hand sanitizer

•hand cream

•a small notepad and pen


•my inhaler

•a small tangle

Now for me, keeping my hands busy grounds me. So rubbing them together using 2 substances gives me something to concentrate on, calming me, and bringing me round to the present. A notepad, because I like to note down my attack, maybe what caused it, help me identify triggers, because anxiety is about learning, to help your self. The vaporub again is to ground me, I smell something that I associate with calm. My inhaler because if the attack gets too bad, then my breathing is compromised so it is just logic. And a tangle, that is for the same reason as the hand cream etc, it keeps my hands busy and gives me something to focus on and again ground me.

The pouch isn’t fancy, it’s only simple, but for me it is a god damn life saver, and has prevented a severe anxiety/panic attack from happening, so far. I am of course not saying that it is a cure, because it’s too unpredictable for that. But damn does it help!


Where did my motivation go?

I’ve noticed something, and it’s starting to irritate me. My motivational abilities suck.

The only time I am motivated to do anything, is at night when I can’t really do the things I want to do.

I am at my most creative, motivated, logical, “non mentally ill”, late at night. And it’s pissing me off. I want to be all these things, all the time, but for some reason 7pm onwards is my peak time.

I come up with plans, I write lists, I sort out everything, then when morning comes, *poof*, it’s gone. I end up just spending the day in bed, being entirely unproductive. 

Then I feel crappy about wasting my day, by literally laying in bed. I don’t know how I spend my time either, when I look back, it just does not seem feasible that I have done nothing for 12+ hours. 

But after all this, when the night comes, like some shit horror film, I become the person I want to be.

A ridiculous cycle of shit.

So I would like to know, WHERE DID MY MOTIVATION GO?! 

So apparently I’m asthmatic 

I had a bog standard childhood of illnesses, asthma being one of them.

It was extremely severe, I had to use the spacer, and I can remember being taken out of classes so I could use the inhaler.

Then of course, there was the nightly coughing, when I would cough so hard and frequently that I would constantly throw up in my sleep. My parents because masters at bathing me, changing me and the sheets, and putting me back to bed without waking me much so, there is only on instance of memory in which I can recall it happening.

Well over the past 3/4 years, I have been getting persistent and awful chest infections. 9 or 10 a year, and about 5 between October and January. I’m talking coughing for weeks on end, not sleeping, inability to breathe. 

It had serious impacts on my mental health, just being constantly sick and unable to function, and on such a regular basis. I would end up in tears most nights.

I have always been given antibiotics and a blue inhaler. It’s supposedly due to the fact I had asthma as a child.

Well I got another one, and I actually saw my doctor. My oxygen levels were between 85 and 89, and my attempt at blowing on that stupid breathe thing was just pathetic. So instead of getting my usual antibiotics and inhaler, I got a blue and brown inhaler, a course of steroids, a course of antibiotics and an appointment for an asthma check.

I am dubious, it’s seems over the top. But in 4 days, I’m miraculously better, not cured, but compared to what I usually am like after a chest infection, it’s remarkable.

The cough is still present, and if I do anything to strenuous it can cause a coughing fit. But I can breathe, I can sleep. 

So apparently, what I have thought was just a poor immune system is actually asthma. So back to the inhalers I go, whether I like it or not.


Sometimes, people say that people dream for what they want. What they “dream” of accomplishing, doing with their life etc.

Well for me..

I dream of living at home with my parents and getting food with my dad on the back of his motorbike like when I was a kid.

Backstory: I was kicked out at 17, and I have lived on my own since then. Being an adult way before I was ready. My parents have told me that no matter what, I would not be allowed to move back home.

Now we skip to the present: I am having a bad time, and honestly all I want is to move back home, live with my parents and not have to worry about anything more than what’s for dinner.

My dream was exactly that, a dream. I want what normal people get from their parents. Someone to talk to, someone who cares how you are doing. I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in weeks, they don’t contact me unless they need something from me. It’s a very sad situation.

Maybe I am just rambling, but it was on my mind. My dream parents felt more loving than my actual parents. And I just want to sleep forever so I can live with them.