Stressed is an understatement 

Nothing is worse than moving house. The stress involved is just indescribable.

But no…I have found the worse. Having to move house because of mental health reasons and a neighbour you are scared of. And on top of this, simply not being able to afford it.

From the top, I can no longer live in Liverpool, so much bad stuff has happened here. I need a fresh start. And for me that fresh start is Scotland. I know people who live there so I won’t be alone but I will be out of Liverpool. 

My neighbour is an alcoholic. He drinks and then becomes angry and violent. That mostly becomes targeted at me. It is terrifying. 90% of the time I am scared to leave the house because he waits for me. He stands by his door and waits for me to leave. So I need out of this hell hole.

Now moving costs money. I have no money. It is an awful situation I am in. And I don’t know what to do about it any more. I am stuck in somewhere that is making me physically and mentally sick. 

Being an adult is hard. Being an adult who has to worry about all of this at the age of 22, is harder. 

Coping is becoming more difficult by the day, and survival isn’t something that I can do whilst living here.  

What even happened?

Last night it’s safe to say I had an emotional breakdown. 

I felt completely unreal, I was physically sick from stress. I contemplated so serious actions and the effect it would have on my family.

It was late or very early which ever way you want to look at it. I tried calling a couple friends but nada. So I did the once sensible thing I could think of, I called a mental health hotline, named Samaritans. I needed help, I needed to hear someone’s voice. They didn’t answer. I tried 5 times, and no answer.

This of course made me feel worse. But luckily a friend text me. So I am still here.

I just don’t know what happened last night. It was a dark place I went to, darker than I have felt in a long time. And it scared me.

A very disconcerting feeling..

Does anyone else get this?

I just feel like I was to pick up and go. Just leave everything behind. Just move. Leave my home. Leave my stuff. Leave everything. 

Maybe even change my name. Be someone else. 

I just don’t want to be here anymore. I cannot cope. I don’t want to be this person. I want to be someone else. 

How do I do it? I have £40 to my name. I have to be me. 

I want to start a new life. 

I hate where I am. I hate my flat. I just hate life and I don’t know how to change it.

Dating, how do I even?

I had a 4 and a half year relationship, I don’t know how to date?!

How do you do it? Because I am just at a loss.

The nerves alone are just beyond intimidating. Meeting someone new, trying to make a good impression.

The thoughts that go through my head are just insane.

Am I dressed okay? Am I underdressed? Am I overdressed? Too much make up? Not enough? Does it make me look slim? Or is it making me resemble something close to a beanbag?

Those are just a few.

Self confidence is a massive component of dating, and that is something I just don’t have. I can fake it, but internally I am screaming, running in circles and curled up in the corner.

Nothing is harder than trying to be someone you aren’t, especially with mental illness. Stress triggers stuff for me..dating is stressful. You see my problem!

If anyone has any tips for dating please let me know!

A turning point?

Today I realised something, something I didn’t think would happen for a long time.

Reading. Always a passion, an activity depression took away from me, for a long time. But today I realised its back.

While it seems small and insignificant, reading has always been a huge part of my life, from hiding under my covers with a torch to read late into the night as a kid, to simply reading a book into the early hours of the morning as an adult.

To have back the ability and want to read again is phenomenal. I lost it for a while and with it part of my self. I am the girl who reads. And that girl is back.