Eating is an uphill battle

I’ve always had an issue with food and the way I look, just self confidence has always been low. I look back at old photos where I thought I was “fat” and I was a size ten. My mind was warped. And it still is.

I struggled with bulimia in my late teens, from around 16 onwards, I battled it and started to recover around the age of 19. I was good for a few years, healthy. Well, not healthy. Just not purging. My appetite was atrocious. I still binged. I still starved myself. But I was not purging.

Then a few months ago, just after Christmas, I relapsed. The purging started again. The binging continued but now I purge. I don’t feel great, my self confidence is at an all time low, and as normal I am hiding it from everyone. 

Actually no, one person knows, my ex boyfriend, we are still friends but I do still have feelings for him (that’s another story and another post). But anyway, he knows about my issue with food, and has known about it for a long time. He does try to help me but right now he works miles away and I don’t see him. So I almost feel justified in doing what I am. Because I can do it with someone knowing about it and there is nothing they can do. 

It’s entirely selfish. I know that. But I don’t feel able to do anything. 

Eating will constantly be an uphill battle, and something that could cause me some serious problems in the future. 

My weight at the moment currently means I am classes as over weight. I am 5″4 and 15stone. It’s my diet and eating habits that attribute to this. I don’t have a metabolic rate to speak of. 

Even though I am over weight, I am malnourished. I am not healthy. I am constantly sick. I don’t heal very well. I am weak. I am tired all the time. It’s just not great. 

I apologise for such a randomly sporadic rant. I just needed to get my thoughts down. 

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