A weird thing with Anxiety

Something I have found with my anxiety is I get this very unusual sensation. And my attempt to describe it might not make sense, but here we go..

At random points in my life, I get the sensation that everything is both going extremely fast and extremely slow, at the exact same time. It’s very disconcerting. It isn’t painful, and it happens at infrequent intervals, so infrequent that I couldn’t tell you the last time it happened. It’s just a sensation I cannot control. It takes anything up to a few minutes to pass (it does feel like it takes a lot longer) then it vanishes and I am back to normal. I don’t understand what causes it. It can happen at any time, watching to, reading, led in bed and so on…

It’s like my brain cannot regulate my surroundings. I am completely aware that it is happening, and that everything is actually normal, but the strange “fast slow” sensation remains.

What’s curious though is my first memory of this happening is when I was between 8 and 10. I am now 22. Have I had anxiety for this long? Is it just a sign of anxiety? Or was is an early sign of some other mental illness that I have developed?

I would be interested to know if anyone else feels this sensation.. Am I the only one?

Dark thoughts 

Please do not read if you are if a sensitive nature, it covers topics that aren’t suitable for everyone

Something I’ve found that I am always very prone to are dark thoughts. 

I mean at least once a day, suicide enters my mind. Not just briefly. But with serious thought. How I would do it, where, what I’d write in the note, who I’d want contacted. Serious thought.

I don’t trust myself to have painkillers of any kind in my home. 

It worries me. Deeply. I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s like a darkness that clouds me, follows me, is never far from my mind. 

It’s scary. I’m scared, that one day soon, my thoughts will become actions.

Mixed up priorities 

I don’t understand myself sometimes..

I have A LOT of housework to do, and I do mean a lot. But instead of doing any of it, I clean my make up brushes.

That isn’t something that should be high on my priorities of things to do. But nope, I did that. And now because I have done something I feel like I can sit down accomplished.

NO

THAT IS SO WRONG!

I need to sort my priorities. It’s bizarre. Realistically I haven’t done anything, but because I’ve cleaned something…. It’s too ridiculous to even finish the sentence.

DAMMIT

Eating is an uphill battle

I’ve always had an issue with food and the way I look, just self confidence has always been low. I look back at old photos where I thought I was “fat” and I was a size ten. My mind was warped. And it still is.

I struggled with bulimia in my late teens, from around 16 onwards, I battled it and started to recover around the age of 19. I was good for a few years, healthy. Well, not healthy. Just not purging. My appetite was atrocious. I still binged. I still starved myself. But I was not purging.

Then a few months ago, just after Christmas, I relapsed. The purging started again. The binging continued but now I purge. I don’t feel great, my self confidence is at an all time low, and as normal I am hiding it from everyone. 

Actually no, one person knows, my ex boyfriend, we are still friends but I do still have feelings for him (that’s another story and another post). But anyway, he knows about my issue with food, and has known about it for a long time. He does try to help me but right now he works miles away and I don’t see him. So I almost feel justified in doing what I am. Because I can do it with someone knowing about it and there is nothing they can do. 

It’s entirely selfish. I know that. But I don’t feel able to do anything. 

Eating will constantly be an uphill battle, and something that could cause me some serious problems in the future. 

My weight at the moment currently means I am classes as over weight. I am 5″4 and 15stone. It’s my diet and eating habits that attribute to this. I don’t have a metabolic rate to speak of. 

Even though I am over weight, I am malnourished. I am not healthy. I am constantly sick. I don’t heal very well. I am weak. I am tired all the time. It’s just not great. 

I apologise for such a randomly sporadic rant. I just needed to get my thoughts down. 

Offended by a word

Abnormal – deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying.

Synonyms – unusual, uncommon, irregular, freak etc 

Now while the word itself is harmless. But I don’t like it.

It makes me angry. When I react to something in a different way to everyone else because of my mental illness, I am instantly considered, weird, irregular, a freak! So naturally, I hate the word abnormal.

It sounds stupid, and I get that it is stupid to be offended by a word, but I cannot help it! When someone calls me abnormal or anything related to that in retaliation to my illnesses, I take offence.

I just wish the discrimination against mental illness would vanish. 

One day, maybe. But for now, I have to deal with it. And maybe try and not take offence as badly?

Mental Health and Memory Loss

One thing I think I struggle with the most, is memory loss. When an episode, disassociate and essentially become a different person. I don’t remember it.

I don’t remember what I have done, what I’ve said, where I’ve been, who I’ve spoken to, so on and so forth. And that is frustrating, beyond belief. 

Just sections of my life are missing and I have to be filled in by those around me, and that’s if someone is around to help, if not I feel lost in the abyss that is my own mind.

I’ve lost hours, days and weeks. It makes daily tasks difficult. I can’t remember if I have paid a bill, maid an appointment, even eaten. 

I have tried different ways to help me remember, using calendars, writing everything down but I can’t control what happens when an episode occurs.

People, even those close to you don’t always understand how you can just “not remember” something. And if I am honest, I don’t understand it either. It is tough and finding someone who does get it is even tougher. But it’s not important. Just being okay with yourself whether you understand it or not is what matters!

Mental illness, making life difficult, one day at a time.