never really goes away

After months of being okay. I’ve finally reached a point of broken again.

It comes in waves. The last wave, I lost my best friend. 

I was okay, I had ups and downs but nothing I couldn’t handle.

But today, I reached my breaking point. I caved in. After months of keeping my drinking under control no matter the temptation, but now I sit here with a bottle of vodka ready to drink and cry myself into a comatose state of despair.

I have people to talk to. In a sense. But not really that I can tell that I’ve gone back to drink. 

I am proud of myself in a sense. I contemplated stopping at various stores to collect a variety of painkillers. But I decided that vodka was my best option of the two.

Maybe things will seem better tomorrow.