Dating and Mental Health

Imagine going from a long term relationship, where that one person knows all your flaws, how exactly your personality works, can match your humour and just all in all understands you, to having to start from scratch? Scary right?

Well imagine that with mental health, this can be anything from anxiety to a mental disorder..

I have anxiety, bpd and bipolar, this makes life extremely difficult but it makes dating 10 times worse.

These people have no idea who I am, how I am..nothing. 

Meeting someone new comes with all sorts of problems, anxiety for me being the worse. I am very uncomfortable in new situations.

My standard procedure is to be something I am not. I hide who I am. I have been burned before for owning up to who I am and admitting to these people that I have things wrong with me that I can’t always control. It scares people and prevents me from making any kind of connection. I am just seen as a mental illness instead of an actual person with feelings. And each time I get rejected it breaks me a little bit more.

Nothing is more soul destroying than having to pretend to be something I am not. It’s mentally exhausting. 

I face other problems as well though. My other mental health problems get in the way.

I date someone, talk to them for a while and get to know them. Then for a reason I can’t quite control I can unfortunately have an attachment to them. I fall for them easily. 

I analyse everything, and always just assume I have done something wrong…it’s horrible.

It’s just difficult to be myself, dating is just a nightmare and some times I just want to give up! 

Losing control

There is nothing scarier than knowing that you are going downhill and back into the darkness and not being able to do anything about it.

Dark thoughts are intimidating, scary and uncontrollable.

No one really understands the pull sadness has on you.

I am still functioning, I got up, dressed and went into college, but inside I feel empty and like I am a massive void of nothing.

I am good at social cues, I know when to laugh, I know when to smile and nod and I know when a response it required. I am good at pretending to be normal I am good at hiding.

When in reality I am falling deeper into the darkness and I can’t alway pull myself out.

Spending money (I don’t have)

I find that I am very good at spending my money on things that I can’t afford and just do not need.

It makes my life very difficult at times. I will have spent all my money on cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, pretty much useless crap, and then when it comes to paying bills I can’t do it.

The amount of times I have had my electricity go off with no means to get it back on, or I have simply run out of food and not eaten for a few days.

It’s a serious impulse control issue.

I have tried budgeting, writing down what I spend, just not taking money out with me when I leave the house. But I still end up spending it stupidly and ending up with nothing for the necessities.

I will then be too embarrassed to ask for help. I cannot go to my parents, and I hate myself whenever I have to borrow money from my friends. 

People put it down to me just being stupid. But I know the real reason.

My bipolar, it makes my impulse control almost non existent. At the time it always seems like a good idea to go on that night out and spend £50, or I always really need that new pair of jeans, even though I already have enough to open my own shop.

Maybe one day I will be able to figure something out to help me with this impulse control issue, but right now I just have to survive until that day comes. 

Withdrawing myself

I realised today that over the past couple weeks I have started to withdraw my self from society..

I have still posted on social media- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.. And the facade I provide is completely untrue, I show my self as happy, well adjusted, and for the most part “normal” (I don’t believe in the word normal but for this purpose it is accurate)

Away from my social media identity, I am unhappy, not functioning well, over all not in a good place.

Today was the first time I went to college in 2 weeks.. I just could not get myself to set an alarm and get up. I received emails and phone calls but I ignored them all. 

It was today I realised how much I have actually been withdrawing myself from those around me. And honestly, I don’t know how to stop it.

I spend my days in bed, watching a film, playing on my phone and sleeping. It’s a downward spiral and I am not entirely sure how to bring myself back into the world. I just don’t feel comfortable. 

I am quite literally living a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. And it scares me, I’ve been in dark places before, I don’t want to go back

Self esteem, or lack of..

For as long as I can remember I have had a serious self esteem problem. As I’ve gotten older it’s only gotten worse.

I’ve slept with men just to feel good about myself, countless one night stands. I only end up feeling worse.

I stand in front of a mirror a judge myself, taking note of every single flaw, mocking myself, ripping myself to shreds.

I plaster myself in make up to fool myself into thinking that I am worth something. 

I want to be flawless, and strive to be so but I never will be.

I lack control in my life and have taken to starving myself to get another form of perfection … My weight.

For some reason I have associated being thin with my happiness. Every mouth full of food makes me disappointed and angry. 

I want self esteem, I want to feel good no matter what I see in the mirror. I need confidence. 

I just want to be happy…for once..