Why Valentine’s Day is hard for me

Well Valentine’s Day, new year, literally most celebrations.

I was in a 4 and a half year relationship. During that time I saw my s/o once on Valentine’s Day and never on new year.

Now this may sound like no big deal, but to me it isn’t.

I didn’t have a great childhood once I hit the age of 16, I wasn’t and didn’t feel like part of my family. So I started to cling on to special holidays as a chance for me to feel okay and special. It sounds selfish but what ever.

So I am in a relationship with someone I love and who loves me. I know he doesn’t really like those sort of occasions so I make efforts to plan with him weeks in advance to make sure he is free and I plan to do things I know he would enjoy. All I asked for was him to turn up and a card. No flowers nothing fancy no expensive meal. Just us together, hanging out. 

Well no matter what I planned, how far in advance I planned it. He always cancelled at the last minute for various reasons including and not limited to…his friend asked him to hang out. I never ever got the card either.

Typing it out I realise how bad a relationship it was but I was in love 

Well because of all that, I now get really emotional and depressed, in the days leading up to and the days following.

All the feelings of worthlessness that I experienced because all I could think was I am not worth seeing or spending time with.

It’s hard to escape those feelings of darkness. Loneliness. And hatred I have for myself.

I just struggle occasionally and today and the next few days is one of those times


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