I need to learn…

Something I struggle with most is the effect that mental illness has had on my life. 

It has taken days, weeks and sometimes months away from me. There are constant blank spaces in my life. It took my chances of having an education. And it took my family.

But I need to learn to forgive.

I need to learn to forgive myself , and not hate myself for something out of my control.

I need to live my life and not live the life I think my mental illness dictates I should.

It’s hard, it will never be easy, but forgiving myself is going to be the first and most important step I take

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Why Valentine’s Day is hard for me

Well Valentine’s Day, new year, literally most celebrations.

I was in a 4 and a half year relationship. During that time I saw my s/o once on Valentine’s Day and never on new year.

Now this may sound like no big deal, but to me it isn’t.

I didn’t have a great childhood once I hit the age of 16, I wasn’t and didn’t feel like part of my family. So I started to cling on to special holidays as a chance for me to feel okay and special. It sounds selfish but what ever.

So I am in a relationship with someone I love and who loves me. I know he doesn’t really like those sort of occasions so I make efforts to plan with him weeks in advance to make sure he is free and I plan to do things I know he would enjoy. All I asked for was him to turn up and a card. No flowers nothing fancy no expensive meal. Just us together, hanging out. 

Well no matter what I planned, how far in advance I planned it. He always cancelled at the last minute for various reasons including and not limited to…his friend asked him to hang out. I never ever got the card either.

Typing it out I realise how bad a relationship it was but I was in love 

Well because of all that, I now get really emotional and depressed, in the days leading up to and the days following.

All the feelings of worthlessness that I experienced because all I could think was I am not worth seeing or spending time with.

It’s hard to escape those feelings of darkness. Loneliness. And hatred I have for myself.

I just struggle occasionally and today and the next few days is one of those times

Restless leg syndrome 

This is literally the worst medication side effect I have had.

I take a medication called promazine, this is for mood disorders. And it has an ingredient that makes you sleepy. 

This is the problem.

This is what causes my restless legs.

It makes me so drowsy I can’t function, but makes my legs so restless that I can’t sleep. Endless cycle of piss take.

My legs end up just hurting and feeling like they have bugs crawling inside them if I keep them still for any length of time.

It’s just an absolute nightmare. 

Not feeling myself

It started on Tuesday – I was okay, I did my morning college routine, left, but when I got about half way there, it’s like I changed.

I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, I didn’t look like myself in any reflection, it’s like all my thoughts weren’t my own. At one point I got irrationally angry (I am aware now that it is irrational) at a complete stranger because of the way she was walking and the shoes she had chosen to wear.

I was concerned about this reaction and how I could rationalise doing something about it. So I just turned around and went straight home again.

It was a horribly bizarre experience

The only problem is that the feelings have continued all throughout the week. I just haven’t felt right. Like nothing I am doing is of my own accord.

It’s so difficult to explain without sounding crazy, but it’s now Thursday night and the feelings haven’t gone. I don’t know if I should be concerned or worried.

It’s all so unusual to me. 

It’s been a few days – a small update 

Well,

I passed my history exam. All the comments made were about where I knew I had messed up. So .. Score!

During the exam itself, I ended up in a smaller room with just 3 other people, my anxiety caused me to freak out so much that I ended up in the personal tutors office, say on the floor. It was definitely the most interesting exam I have taken for that reason alone.

I am on half term now though. A nice week off but I am going to use it to revise…in theory.

And lastly, I haven’t felt like myself this week. And by this, I mean I have felt like a different person separate to me. I think more of an explanation would be better in a post of its own.

Revising to get a grade..not to learn

That is all education has become…You don’t revise to learn things, you revise so you can get a good grade on a test.

The pressure that is put on anyone in education, not just kids, but anyone its absolutely ridiculous! I don’t feel like I am learning anything by taking my whole day to write out pages and pages of notes. It is for the short term. I will never use any of the facts that I am revising ever again in my life. All it is for is so I can get a good grade on a test so it makes my college look good.

I am not okay with that!

I don’t want to be learning something simply for a grade. I don’t want to have so much pressure put on me to get a good grade that I have multiple panic attacks and will avoid going into college. Really that makes things worse, but I feel so bad and overwhelmed by the pressure that I receive that I don’t have any  other options.

Education SHOULD NOT  be just about grades and how well you perform. Obviously there should be some form of marking system, that is how people improve…but I want to get an education so I can learn new things and make my self better as a person.

Right now, in the course I am doing, I don’t think that is my end goal. My end goal is to get a good grade and then get as far away from education as I possibly can. The thought of having to do this all again makes me feel physically drained and sick, I couldn’t do it. Mentally I would not be able to take the stress that is dealt out.

Education needs to be sorted out, perhaps the amount that anxiety disorders has increased in college age students should say something to the state of the system.

Surely I cannot be the only one who thinks this? I just don’t know how to make a stand.. or who to talk to about this who will actually listen and take notice.

Maybe in the future it will become something people enjoy again, but for now, I know for a fact that people are only putting themselves through countless years of education over and over again, because that is what we have been taught to believe is right – I would like a new teacher please!

Why must anxiety ruin my life?!

While the title seems a little extreme, I am here to tell you that in fact it is not.

Today, at 2pm I was meant to go to my college and do a mock exam in Law. What is it I did instead? I had 3 panic attacks from 9am. Threw up from stress and panic twice. And to top it all off I nearly passed out. Long story short, I didn’t go to the exam. I have now received a text and an email from my personal tutor asking me to ring him, something I am not going to be able to do in any shape or form so I will do my usual tactic and ignore it until it hopefully goes away.

I simply cannot do exams, no matter how hard I try, I just seem to flail, panic and give up. I tried revising, and was revising until about 1am this morning. I took notes and even tried to get a decent night sleep, which was impossible, I woke up many times from stress induced nightmares, and was woken up this morning by my friend calling my at around 9 to check I was up. Which is when the panic set in.

I don’t like the control that anxiety seems to have over me. Luckily it was only a mock exam. It could have been a lot more damaging.

I have got an appointment with my doctor on wednesday, well I say appointment, she is going to call me at some point. I have to get a new prescription, a new sick note and now a letter explaining they I have an anxiety disorder and would perhaps benefit from more time in an exam or something like that. I don’t know.

I just have to try an get myself together now and revise for my exam (mock) on Wednesday, which is in history. But I like history so I won’t actually mind..in theory.

I just want anxiety to take a back seat for about 2 months. It can come back after that, just the next 2 months off from it would be lovely.