Well this has been a day and a half..


9am – English Literature: Start witchcraft. Do basic research on Witchcraft. Start to read Vinegar Tom, and finish Merchant of Venice. All for alternative exam essay in March. Also have to research what Brechtian Theatre is as well as Feminist Theatre and Caryl Churchillthis will probably be some home work rather than in lesson.

My chest feels super tight and painful. Today is not a day for anxiety. Seriously. I don’t need or want it. It is making concentrating in the lesson quite difficult. I am just writing then rewriting the same notes, trying to make them look super neat and readable. Each time I do it, they just don’t seem right so I have to start again. This is frustrating. I suppose the best way to describe what I am currently going through in a more physical manifestation is simply, that feeling when you swallow a hard sweet whole and it seems to be stuck in both your throat and your chest. I cannot get rid of it, and it seems to be spreading throughout my entire body from my chest then down my arms and legs.
11am – Meeting with Personal Tutor: Authorised absences applied for, given letter proof. All late assignments figured out and now due in for Friday. Mental Health counselling will be started up again. Hopefully will help with my lack of motivation and massive amount of procrastination.
Assignments Due

  • Murder @ Vicarage – 1000-1500 words
  • Academic Writing – 1000 – 1500 words
  • Intro to Law – 1000-1500 words
  • Intro to Early Modern England -1000-1500 words
  • Philosophy – 1000-1500 words
  • Planning a Research Project – 1000-1500 words

That is a fair few I need to get through in 3/4 days. Bring on the non stop work and all nighters. I get paid tomorrow so I can stock up on energy drinks. Tonight I will have to drink all the coffee and wont be able to nap. I need to really get my head down.

Anxiety is feeling better after the meeting, I know what I need to do and am very aware of how much it is. I just need to talk to 2 tutors and I should be able to get on. Calming a little bit. The amount of work I have to complete in such a short space of time is very daunting but I WILL DO THIS! I am happy with my decision to wait a year and not go to university in September. It takes away some pressure.

11:50am – Meeting with English Tutor. That went well, she was very understanding and I only have the one assignment due for her, which is good.

12pm – Had lunch college mates, well I didn’t eat but was a nice hour to just chill out in. I was very quiet and didn’t ck tribute to conversation much, as per usual, but was at least nice.

1pm – Law: Discussing magistrates and how to become one. Law tutor is also understanding and is aware of my situation and how I am going to be handing in my assignments for Friday. We do have a trainee teaching us and he is quite quick with the slides so having to speedily take notes, but I think I am alright. Also have got this work I missed from last week so catching up will hopefully be pretty simple. Fingers crossed. It was a very long 2 hours and the trainee definitely needs some experience in engaging a class, because honestly I almost fell asleep. I am just so tired.

3pm – I have UCAS now until 4pm, and I have to face my UCAS tutor and tell her that I don’t want to go to university. This should be fun. My bet is that she is going to try and convince me to apply. Well tough, I haven’t done my personal statement at all. And the deadline is on the 15th of this month. On top of that I don’t even know what I want to do in University so I don’t just want to apply to random courses that just sound okay. I want to do something I know I am going to enjoy and that I can make a career out of. I think that is only fair. I go into more depth about why I don’t want to go to University here

Meeting with UCAS tutor- Well that went surprisingly well. She completely supported my decision to just focus on my diploma from my Access Course and to not go to university. I am thrilled. And it takes so much pressure off myself and gives me a small amount…a very small amount…but a small amount of breathing room either way. Success!

I am actually really nervous about this conversation and I have zero idea about how it is going to go. I just don’t want to feel pressured into doing something that I really don’t want to do. I will just have to hold my ground and really enforce that I DO NOT WANT to do this. I just want to get my alevels then intern somewhere for a year, and get experience in a field I am really looking to have a career in.

Note to self: All I need to apply for right now is a funding thing that is available to students of a low income. And I need to make sure I know exactly what kind of information and evidence of the income.




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