As described in a previous post which can be found here, I have made my opinion about me going to University clear. It just isn’t for me.
So what do I do instead?
Well, my plan is an internship, a writing internship. Being as my main love is writing and that is what I want to go into as a career when I am older, I thought there would be nothing better.
I was wrong! It isn’t so difficult to find internships here in Liverpool. Like incredibly difficult. I spent hours scouring the internet hoping to find something. I have applied to a couple that I have found and got one response but still, I need more options. I chose to not go to University for this. And now its come round and bit me on the ass. Everything has gone tits up.
I applied to this thing on the Guardian, as they have a student section, so maybe that could lead somewhere, or at least get me some more experience. Which can be found here is anyone is interested in attempting it as well.
I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her to pick something more realistic as a career, but nope. I am stuck. I do not want to do anything else, its my passion.
Being an adult is hard and I wish I had known that as a child..I think I would have appreciated my childhood a little bit more.
I have 2 mock exams coming up.
Law – Monday 1st February
History – Wednesday 3rd February
For some horrible reason I just cannot seem to get the motivation to revise for either of them. And it isn’t like they are just small exams, especially law..They have a lot of content that has to be covered due to the possibility of it coming up on the test.
So now I am panicking, and making myself feel even worse about the whole thing. I know they are only mocks and don’t count towards my final grade, I just don’t want to do horribly.
It is basically one massive downward spiral that I am heading into and I am finding it difficult to function and cope with stress of it all.
Something I need to start doing again is writing lists. They help me so much, just the structure of them help me function during the day. I used to make all kinds of lists, from detailed shopping lists (for food) as well as shopping lists for standard everyday items I might need. Then of course there was the lists so I don’t forget anything in the morning.
Its organisation that I need to get back into. I am just so bad at it lately and it doesn’t help me at all. I need organisation to function. Which is probably why every now and then I will tidy (and organise) my friend flat..yes…I do that…I will help tidy her flat but I wont tidy mine..It just doesn’t make any sense.
I am definitly going to start, I already have a designated notebook that is only small so I can carry it around with me everywhere easily. It will also help with when I think of blog posts I suppose as well.. Two birds with on stone!
7 am – Wake up
7:05 – Make coffee
7:10 – Drink flask of water, then refill it and put back in the fridge
7:15 – Brush teeth, wash face, weigh self
7:30 – Get dressed
7:45 – Do hair and make up
8:00 – Check social media (facebook, twitter, tumblr, wordpress etc..)
8:15 – Pack bag for college
8:30 – Leave home
Hopefully having a structured and timed routine will help me in the mornings. It needs to because right now I really struggle to get up and actually go to college on a regular basis.
It seems to slowly be becoming a problem for me again. When I was younger I really struggled with eating and developed bulimia. And it was very difficult. I barely ate at all, or I would just eat everything I could manage until I was physically sick.
Today all I have eaten, and all I am planning on eating are a few chocolate coins. Even that feels like too much. I have a plan though, on Wednesday, I am going to go out to a restaurant and eat with a friend. This is after I get my hair cut so I will feel better..
Also, as well as college, I am going to be going to a second hand electronics store and get my self a external hard drive! I need one so badly, the memory on this laptop is awful so I am limited as to what I can actually save on it.
Plus, I have an old laptop that I still use but is on its way out, and I just have so much on there that I need to save…and soon!!
Talking of college, I have 2 overdue assignments, I just never did them. With Scotland I never did work up there and its now a week later and I am no closer to finishing them. I fucked up again. It seems the only way I can work is last minute and in a panic…
My sleeping has been very sporadic lately. The other day I slept for 16 hours, I woke up a couple times but went straight back to sleep. Its just bizarre.
Last night I slept for about 11 hours. And this was straight through. No waking up.
It worries how much I am sleeping, I am going back into old habits and I can feel the depressive episode coming on. Which scares me.
I found an old razor blade earlier and I broke down.I am scared of going back and not being able to come out of it again.
I have asked my friend to come over tonight, just to give me some piece of mind and make me feel safe and secure again.
Literally spending my day doing Laundry and watching Supernatural from the beginning. I feel like my day of sickness is being spent well.
I have just developed some horrible sickness, I feel like death. Done the adult thing and emailed my college to let them know though. I hate having to email and call when its adult things like that. It properly puts me on edge. Feel really crap. Like they are going to tell me off.
Hopefully I will be alright tomorrow.